January

Calling for a year of "peace with honor," David L. "Maxim" Gorski, chief of University Police, accepts a promotion to Major. Two hundred officers with baby-blue jeeps and armored squad cars stage a full-dress Solidarity parade outside Mass Hall.

Stephen S.J. Hall hails the winter-vacation "cold-zone" program as a qualified success. "Maybe we didn't save as much money as we would have liked," Hall says, "but the distribution of coldness within the projected cold zones exceeded our most optimistic predictions, especially temperature-wise." He declares Mather House, Claverly Hall and the Quad to be permanent cold zones.

Sharply reduced attendance at Law School classes triggers rumors that Spiro Pavlovich/Jason Cord was impersonating as many as 40 per cent of his classmates. "This thing is turning out to be a lot bigger than we thought," Daniel Steiner concedes. He orders an investigation into the identities of several law school professors.

John T. Dunlop resigns as President Ford's Secretary of Labor. "The man's a moron," Dunlop tells a press conference. "What can you do for a president who thinks a Labor Secretary works for an obstetrician?"

Sargent Shriver, speaking from atop his campaign bus, "The John Fitzgerald Camelot Honey Fitz John-John Memorial Express," tells a Harvard audience, "Some people say, 'America, Love It or Leave It.' Well, in this bicentennial year I say, 'America, Save It or Shove It.'"

February

The Visiting Committee on Buildings and Grounds announces that the Science Center is bigger than it looks.

The Class Day Committee, saying it wants an orator with "mass appeal," invites Pope Paul VI to speak at Commencement. The Pontiff wires back: WOULD LOVE TO ADDRESS CLASS OF MCMLXXVI BUT IF GOD HAD INTENDED ME TO SPEAK AT HARVARD HE WOULD HAVE ARRANGED AN HONORARY DEGREE STOP DOMINE DOMINE DOMINE STOP PAUL"

President Bok denies that he doesn't know any faculty members. "I know a bunch of 'em," he says. "There's that guy in economics. Oh, now this is embarrassing, because his name was on the tip of my tongue just a minute ago. You know who I mean--the gangly guy with three names who's always on TV with William F. Buckley."

In a Washington's Birthday editorial, The Crimson calls for "an end to repression and torture in Chile and Spain, and everywhere else, for that matter."

March

In-his new Harvard Gazette column of budget-savings hints, "It's NIFTY to be THRIFTY," Stephen S.J. Hall suggests:

1.) Investigate the cost-benefit gains that would accrue to the Food Services Dept.:

a.) In the post-implementation period of a policy requiring freshmen to eat weekend meals at the Medical School.