January

In a major address from the front lawn of his estate, President Bok acknowledges the "current economic crisis," but promises that "Harvard and Harvard men" will pull through. "If you went to Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., then you might have to worry about a job," Bok says, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about." Bok also announces the auctioning-off of half the glass flowers, to the government of Saudi Arabia. "We need the money," he says, "and they want to make the desert bloom."

Stephen S.J. Hall, vice-president for administration, sees The Towering Inferno twice, and closes the top eight floors of Holyoke Center. Norman Mailer '43 awards himself the Nobel Prize for Literature. "I got tired of waiting," Mailer explains.

February

To commemorate Washington's Birthday, Bok lays off half the Buildings and Grounds Department, all Harvard employees from New Jersey, and basketball coach Tom "Satch" Sanders. "I cannot tell a lie," Bok explains. "He was just too fucking tall." Martin Peretz, master of South House, sells The New Republic and buys the Harvard Independent.

Daniel Steiner '54, general counsel to the University, sees Death Wish four times and runs through Harvard Square smashing the windshields of double-parked cars. Fifty thousand auto workers and Steiner are laid off.

Water-polo captain Al Bozer is found dead at the bottom of the pool after his team's first victory. "We thought he was faking," Bozer's teammates say mournfully. Pat McInally, drafted in the third round by the Philadelphia Eagles, says he "still can't make up my mind between a Rhodes and the pros."

George Wald, Higgins Professor of Biology, is treated for multiple contusions after riding through South Boston on a unicycle singing "We Shall Overcome." Doctors at the University Health Services list Wald's condition as "Not Bad, Considering."

March

Cambridge police arrest Martin L. Kilson, professor of Government, for loitering in front of the 24 Restaurant, and Bok lays off all blacks at Harvard in retaliation. Ewart Guinier '33, former chairman of the Afro-American Studies Department, charges that Bok was "just using it as an excuse to oppress black people at Harvard and around the world." "I don't need an excuse," Bok replies.

Rep. Wilbur Mills (D-Ark.) accepts a position as chairman of Boston's new Combat Zone Development Authority. Sporting a hair transplant and a WIN button, Mills unveils a new program for light-traffic hours, modeled after the MTA's highly successful Dime Time. "With unemployment at 12 per cent, not everyone can afford our usual rates," Mills says. "That's why we need the Buck Fuck."

In a hastily called press conference, Bok announces that the economic crisis is getting worse. "If you went to Brooklyn College in Brooklyn, N.Y., then you might have to worry about a job," he says, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about." A hundred thousand steelworkers and Brooklyn alumnus Oscar Handlin, Pforzheimer University Professor, are laid off. "He talked too slow," Bok observes.

"None of this would have happened if Nixon hadn't resigned," Handlin comments, "but even McGovern would be better than Bok."

April

L. Fred Jewett '57, director of Admissions, confirms rumors that all 9,762 applicants for the class of '79 have been accepted. "They were all so good that we just couldn't make up our minds," Jewett explains. In a press conference the same day, Bok announces the doubling of tuition and the elimination of scholarships. He also auctions off the Old Testament half of the Gutenberg Bible, the Slavic Languages Department, and one of the Lowell House Russian bells, to the Shah of Iran. "I've always been fond of the Bible," Bok says, "but the Shah wanted a package deal."