JANUARY

Derek C. Bok announces that after 30 months in office, he has finally determined that he is not Nathan Pusey. "I've had a committee study this thing since my first day in Mass Hall," Bok reports, "and I've also looked at the name on my bursar's card. I am definitely not Nathan Pusey, although I may indeed by Jordan Marsh."

William H. Bossert, McKay Professor of Applied Mathematics, alleges that administrative wonder Stephen S.J. Hall is, in fact, only a computer. In an angry letter to Harvard Magazine, Hall replies: "DO STEP 9.1. END OF PROGRAM. STOP. END OF JOB."

A notice in The Harvard Gazette reveals that the comet Kohoutek will be this spring's Norton Lecturer on Poetry. The comet will deliver six talks on "The Unasked Question," accompanied by a series of films on people around the world not asking "Who is Guru Maharaj Ji?"

FEBRUARY

David L. Halberstam '55 comes to Cambridge to push his new best-seller, a study of the relevance of mammary glands to the development of American conservative thought, entitled The Breast and the Rightist.

Temperatures during the first week of February (which, before Harvard changed its calender, would have been inter-session) drop to a record 67 degrees below zero. In protest, 300 glassy-eyed students angrily burn Adams House, the School of Design, and the office of The Harvard Independent. Luckily, no one is injured when the surprising drop in temperature cracks the epoxy holding the Science Center together, reducing the complex to a heap of stone and glass rubble.

William Shockley, inventor of the transistor and would-be geneticist, claims to have discovered that "the world spins on a teensy, weensy electric motor." "Sure, I'm saying this partly for shock value," Shockley says, "but, gosh, how else do you explain a play title like Stop the World, I Want to Get Off, or a movie like The Day the Earth Stood Still?"

MARCH

The Harvard Law School Forum, promising "never to shirk or abdicate our vital and crucial responsibility to offer a place where even the most unusual and controversial of people and speakers can be seen and listened to at this great and prestigious law school and University," invites Thomas Stefanian, Cambridge restauranteur, to debate City Councillor Alfred E. Vellucci on "By-zantine Hagiography: A Message for Our Times?"

President Bok announces that after 32 months in office, he has finally determined that he is not Richard J. Herrnstein, professor of Psychology. "But I don't think my record and my conscience can be fully clear," Bok adds, "until I manifest my willingness to entertain George Wald's identity compatible with my usual personality."

The Committee on Houses and Undergraduate Life decides not to vote on whether either the committee or its members actually exist. "We assured CHUL that it absolutely is not an issue now whether the committee exist or not. The members were satisfied to wait until it mattered to someone--anyone--before discussing it," Dean Rosovsky reports.

Bok announces that the new Harvard yard dorm will be named Stephen S.J. Hall in honor of W.E.B. DuBois. "Mr. DuBois was a modest man," Bok explains.

APRIL

A committee headed by Krister Stendahl, dean of the Divinity School, recommends that the University demonstrate its support for third-world religion by appointing the Rev. Sun Myung Moon to be preacher to the University. The report also recommends shortening Passover to one day to be celebrated on Easter Sunday.