VICTOR GOLD, Vice President Agnew's former press secretary, wrote a fascinating piece on the Watergate debacle for Sunday's New York Times.

Gold pointed out that even if Watergate is regarded merely as a "stupid and unnecessary" criminal act, "President Nixon is responsible for not sufficiently impressing his subordinates with an iron resolve that he would not suffer stupid, unnecessary criminal activities permitted in the name of his re-election campaign."

"Was it that the President's subordinates were given the word but were themselves too stupid to comprehend his meaning?" Gold asks rhetorically. Here is a rhetorical answer of sorts:

Enter H.R. (Bob) Haldeman. "Good morning, Mr. President. How was Easter at the Florida White House?

"Just peachy without you, H.R.; the Easter Bunny sends his regards. Uh, close the gate behind you, will you.

"You mean door, don't you Mr. President?

"Of course I do, dumbbell. Now listen, H.R., let's get down to nuts and bugs.

"That's very humorous, Mr. President. Mixed metaphors are but one part of your dry but lively humor.

"This is no time for the usual flattery, H.R. Let's talk chicken.

"Which one would you like to begin with, Mr. President?

"How about Dean. I'm taking this investigation into my own hands. Scapegoat my foot... get him in here. I'm going to get some honorable answers and put an end to these 'unavailable for comments.'

"Good morning, Mr. President.

"Sit down, scapegoat, uh, John.

"And what wise counsel can I provide the White House this bright April morning, sir?

"Don't get sassy-assed with me, Dean. We're here to talk chicken.