Beck, Bogert and Appice. Word is that these two guys played a Coke commercial with Beck in '69 and they all freaked each other out, at least musically. Nobody knows though, since I've never heard the commercial and don't know anybody who has. The plan was for Beck to dump Stewart et al., and throw in with these guys, who didn't have much going at the time. Never happened because Jeff wrapped his Corvette around a tree in the midlands somewhere and didn't play a note for like two years. By the time he resurfaced, they were trapped in Cactus, (which for those of you who hadn't heard, is damn near a fate worse than death.) So Beck got together with two West Indians and two look-alikes, and called it Jeff Beck Group. But he wasn't satisfied, and first opportunity he rang up B and A, and they all got together again. Last time through they had some stuffed shirt introduce them in his best M.P. accent so they could play in front of three flags, one English, and two American. The band is as expected. Beck's been surrounding himself with mediocrities ever since it became clear he couldn't coexist with Rod Stewart; Bogert and Appice are competent journeymen, but then who's going to see them?

Alice Cooper. Their new album has a song called "Raped and Freezing," which happens to coincide with one of my more perverse fantasies, in which a male hitch-hiker is picked up, subjected to horrible tortures and finally strangled by a carful of female psychotics. I don't think there's anything wrong with Alice Cooper, they're merely a manifestation of a trend towards theater in rock. In fact David Bowie's a lot more sinister because he carries the implications to an extreme. Besides, Alice is a past Phoenix high school cross country record holder. And nothing's more all-American than being connected with Eddie Haskell. I'm not going to the concert, though; I don't think I can handle the crowd.

Alice Cooper. Monday, Mar. 26. Boston Garden. 8 p.m.

Beck, Bogert and Appice. Wednes., Mar. 28. Music Hall. 7 & 10 p.m.