Is anybody out there listening? It's an away weekend, so supposedly all the sports fans made the long journey to Philadelphia yesterday. Away weekends are nice because I can pick Harvard to lose knowing that the morale of the team can't suffer if they still read the Crimson. I can even say something about my fellow Crimson sports-writers sitting next to me right now and they'll probably never go back to read about it Sunday after the long ride back home.

My cousin always told a story about a friend who prepared a doctoral thesis several years ago. In the middle of the thesis he included a passage reading. "I have $20. The first person to ask me for it can have half of it. The second person, and every other person thereafter, can have one half of the remaining amount." His address followed.

The thesis was read--well, at least graded--by three professors, none of whom mentioned the money. Two years later a Harvard senior collected $10. My cousin's friend still has $10.

Now, are you glancing ahead down the page to see if there are any $$$ among the words?

Since the football fans are in Philadelphia already, let me address you stay-at-home part-time fans. The weekend isn't lost; here are some suggestions. The Harvard water polo team is hosting an NCAA tournament at the IAB on Saturday and Sunday. Nearly all the top New England teams will be in action starting at 10 a.m. this morning and continuing tomorrow afternoon. Tonight, the entire 1971 U.S. Figure Skating Team will be at the Watson Rink in an 8 p.m. performance. And to top off the entire weekend, tomorrow night there's the third annual Whitman Hall Talent Show. It's really amazing. It's really amazing that there's a third annual still after the first two.

Anyway, I highly recommend all three activities. And you know how you can trust my recommendations. Just look at my prediction record. I don't know how to improve on last week's perfect slate, but since all the bettors are out of town:

COLUMBIA-CORNELL--At the beginning of the year I predicted that Cornell was the team to beat in the Ivy League, and I added that Harvard was the team to beat the Big Red, Well, one out of two isn't bad. Harvard ran successfully on Columbia, so you know who is going to do you know what to break you know which NCAA record. Even if Columbia does make all its two point conversions, it's you know who. 34-16.

YALE-DARTMOUTH--The Eli are on an unexpected two-game losing streak and have fallen below 500 overall. You know who rambled for 200 yards through the pride of the Yale defense. Oh-oh, Dartmouth is not as good as an undefeated team should be, but Jake Crouthamel has been mad this week and only spells Dartmouth, 21-10.

BROWN-PRINCETON--At least the Bruins can embarrass themselves away from the hometown fans this weekend. Gary Bonner will run for over 100 yards and Bob Zink may take the Ivy lead in total offenses, but the Bruina will continue to build upon their winless record. Princeton rolled over Penn last weekend. Brown will roll over this Saturday, 28-14.

HARVARD-PENN--Princeton dumped the Quakers, 31-0, and even Brown kept even and almost toppled Penn, so a loss today would be an agonizing omen on November weekends to come. Without quarterback Pinto, though, the Quakers are worse than the coffee Jello at the Freshman Union. Penn will desperately go to the air, and sometimes that pays off in touchdown bombs. In fact, the Buffalo Bills have used that method successfully for eight victories in the last four years. But the Bills play 14 games a year and Penn already has its Ivy victory over Brown. The Crimson will continue to boost Excedrin sales but will prevail, 24-21.