JANUARY

Oscar Handlin, Charles Warren Professor of American History, receives his induction notice. Visibly upset, Handlin appeals for support to the Harvard Faculty, but his request is tabled without discussion. "If just didn't seem to be an issue of any academic significance," explains John Rawls, professor of Philosophy.

President Johnson, in his fourth State of the Union message, insists that civilians "are not the sole target for our bombs." The Long Island newspaper Newsday hails Johnson's address as "a magnificent testament to the 1960's."

FEBRUARY

Author William Manchester, stricken with malaria, enters New York's Mount Sinai Hospital. Out of sympathy, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy (D-N.Y.) wires Manchester a prize ham. General Ky journeys incognito to Hong Kong to have his eves westernized.

MARCH

William Manchester, stricken with trichinosis, enters Flower Fifth Avenue Mrs. John F. Kennedy sends him a candy-gram. After a ten-minute walking tour of South Vietnam, Defense Secretary Robert S. McNamara predicts the war will be over by the end of 1964.

APRIL

In Hanoi on legal business, Richard M. Nixon lashes into President Johnson's Vietnam policy, calling the war "a cruel perversion of the peaceful course so long espoused by Pope Paul, myself, and John Foster Dulles."

Chief Justice Earl Warren dies of Dutch Elm disease. On his deathbed he mumbles inarticulately: "... Partrick Nugent... Texas School Book Depository... gak ... my heart!"

MAY

LBJ dips below the 20 per cent mark in the latest Louis Harris Poll. Arm in-arm with Ladybird and their two beagles, the President reminds reporters, "I'm still more popular than Jesus." Harrison Salisbury is arrested in Hanoi after photographing smiling North Vietnamese children in front of intact building.

JUNE

Honorary Harvard degrees go to Adam Clayton Powell ("he spoke his mind"), Gen. Wessiny Wessin ("he danced to distant drums"), and Lt. Gen. Lewis B. Hershey ("he lived by the precepts of the prince of peace"). Richard Nixon, speaking in Fulton, Mo., accuses President Johnson of "shooting from the hip."

JULY

Robert Goheen, president of Princeton University, asks Vassar to consider merging with Princeton instead of Yale. "Gosh, I'm flabbergasted--I just don't know what to say," answers Alan Simpson, President of Vassar. Attorney Mark Lane dies of hoof-in-mouth disease. His last words: "...Patrick Nugent ... Texas School Book Depository ... gak! ..."

AUGUST

Oscar Handlin is posthumously awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor after he deftly parachutes through North Vietnamese antiaircraft fire in a futile attempt to rescue Harrison Salisbury. Vassar's president Simpson says he is "leaning" toward Princeton.

SEPTEMBER

Scandal breaks as police discover Ronald Reagan loitering in the men's room of an Oakland, YMCA. Young Patrick Nugent dies of St. Vitus's Dance. Dunster House ushers in the new theatre season with its universally acclaimed production of Edward Albee's Tiny Alice.

OCTOBER

Vassar's president Simpson changes his mind again and decides not to merge with anyone. Exasperated, Goheen and Kingman Brewster Jr. hold a wee-morning-hours conference in conveniently located New Rochelle, and reach agreement. Yale and Princeton merge. The Dunster House revival of Breakfast at Tiffany's breaks all box office records for the Dunster House dining room.

NOVEMBER

Richard Nixon burns himself in protest over the Vietnam war. As he shoots up in flames, he cries out to curious passerby: "You won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore."

DECEMBER

In accordance with Nixon's last will and testament, he is buried in the demilitarized zone of Vietnam. Lyndon Johnson and Ho Chi Minh break into tears at the funeral, each offering his handkerchief to the other, and in the grief of the occasion they pledge eternal peace.