Ivy League football players just don't make very good professionals.

Of all the criticisms leveled against Ivy players -- they're slow, they're small, they're sloppy, or even effete -- the most telling is that they can't make it as pros in competition with stars from other college teams.

Gathered together, the professional Ivy Leaguers wouldn't be enough for a good pickup game of touch football.

From the National Football League, there's Mike Pyle, the Yalie who plays center for the Chicago Bears, Gary Wood, the stubby quarterback who went from Cornell to the New York Giants, and Yale's Chuck Mercein, who kicks field goals and fills in at fullback for the Giants.

The American Football League has Pete Gogolak of Cornell, whose soccer-style kicking helped carry the Buffalo Bills to the league championship last season, flanker Bo Roberson, also of Cornell and the Bills, Dartmouth's Don McKinnon, a linebacker for the Boston Patriots, and Cosmo Iacavazzi, who is bouncing on and off the New York Jets' roster after smashing a bookful of rushing records for Princeton.

From Harvard -- nothing.

But most Ivy League officials and coaches aren't particularly worried because their schools don't turn out people who can make their living at football. The major, and most obvious reason, is that the players don't want to.

According to Baaron Pittenger, Harvard's director of sports information, most of the players in the league are planning to go on to some sort of graduate study -- law, business, medicine, or other fields. They can't afford to spend two or three years finding out if they're good enough to play pro ball.

In fact, most high school stars with a notion of making it in the pros don't apply to Ivy League colleges anyway. A halfback can build a much bigger reputation (and command a much plumper bonus) if he goes to Texas rather than Brown.

Pittenger also pointed out that players are more likely to develop their skills in big-time football colleges than in the Ivy League. The Ivy League ban on spring practice and the pressures of stiffer academic requirements cut into the time that a player can spend on the practice field.

In fact, someone proposed only half-fatuously a couple of years ago that the University of Tennessee offer football as a major, with the purpose of allowing undergraduates to train for a professional career. Reading, writing, 'rithmetic? Never mind. Just pass blocking, tackling, and the personal foul in practice and theory.

Another factor that militates against the Ivy League pro is pure lack of physical ability. Ivy League players don't have to be as big, as fast, or as quick as those on major college teams. Harvard's largest starter is 224-pound tackle Skip Sviokla; in the pros, he'd face fullbacks who outweighed him by 50 pounds.

Even Dave Poe, the Crimson's fine safety, is too small and too slow to be a pro prospect. And Bobby Leo? The water boys on the Packers have to be bigger than 173 pounds.

Still, there are a few Ivy Leaguers every year who have at least the potential to play as professionals. This season, the prospects are Stas Maliszewski and Paul Savidge of Princeton, and Phil Ratner of Cornell, all linemen with the necessary size, speed, and ability.

Charlie Gogolak, Pete's brother, just broke the collegiate record for field goals in a career, and might take his soccer-trained talents into the pros. Finally, Joe Randall, Brown's punter, has blasted kicks of 104 and 82 yards this year and could play as a specialist.

But don't look for a Johnny Unitas to appear suddenly out of the Ivy League, this year or ever. If your buddy from Ohio State gives you trouble about Ivy football, the best thing for you to do is smile a superior smile, and walk away.