The CRIMSON has mailed its soothsayer on Mount Olympus his annual retainer, and he, in turn, has filed the following predictions for 1963:

JANUARY

President Kennedy announces in his State of the Union message that he is very pleased with himself. Describing McGeorge Bundy as the "Nation's number one asset," he expresses dismay that anyone could think Bundy ambitious. George Romney receives Kennedy's speech coolly: he reveals that an Archangel appeared to him in a vision and urged that he "keep an eye on national politics."

Harvard acquires the MTA yards and announces plans to build a coed House. Mary Bunting, an experimental biologist, applauds the "long-awaited merger." Architect Sert envisages a 42-story alabaster tower. The New York newspaper strike negotiations are broken off until March.

FEBRUARY

Winston Churchill celebrates his 89th birthday; greetings pour in from all over the civilized world and Ireland. The principality of Gambezi breaks off from the Gabon Republic and is proclaimed the world's newest and smallest state. The influx of diplomats trebels its population.

The Mona Lisa, on loan from France, is viewed by throngs of Washington tourists, most of whom appear to believe that it portrays Mrs. John Kennedy.

MARCH

The newspaper strike negotiations become further complicated when New York Street Cleaners Local #60 decides to picket any settlement. The Janitors Local, the Toilet Tissue Workers International and the Christian Science Monitor declare solidarity with #60. Three Harvard government courses cancel lectures because of the lack of the New York Times.

APRIL

An article in the Saturday Evening Post alleges that "President Pusey doesn't believe in God; he is a fraud; the new coeducational House is immoral." Vicious rumors are spread that the article was planted by McGeorge Bundy, who is said to want Pusey's job. Pusey responds with a poem in the Letter Column of the West Coast edition of the New York Times:

How odd

To hear

The name of God

In a smear.

Bundy tells reporters that he certainly cannot be held responsible for his cousin's article in the Post.

The Gambezi Republic is admitted to the United Nations. The country's population declines by 30% with the departure of the UN delegation.

MAY

George Romney announces that the Archangel Macaroni thinks "a proven business success could do a better job as President."

Jackie Kennedy, a faint smile playing about her lips, announces that, in gratitude to the French people, "we're going to send them one of our own masterpieces," the "Sleigh Ride" by Grandma Moses. "Sleigh" travels to Europe in the Captain's Cabin of the S.S. United States, surrounded by a cordon of 500 Marines. President de Gaulle expresses frigid thanks, says he would have preferred one ICBM. The French people flock to see "Sleigh"; they think Grandma Moses looks like Mrs. Kennedy.

JUNE

In what is interpreted as a move to promote better town-gown relations, Harvard confers honorary degrees upon 24 people whose names are selected at random from the Boston phone book. The Hon. Charles Ianello, spokesman for the group, delivers his acceptance speech on "Harvard Men Inside."

Winston Churchili celebrates his 90th birthday, and issues a statement that "de Gaulle is getting too big for his breeches." The General answers him in a curt note to the Queen: "My dear young lady: It is evident that Britain is the sick man of Europe." In Washington, a vengeful group of Rhodes scholars led by Dean Rusk tears the Mona Lisa to pieces. The Paris mob finds an elderly American lady who looks like Grandma Moses, and shreds her in retaliation. De Gaulle challenges Rusk to a duel.

Just before Commencement, a squad of department chairmen protesting Dean Ford's sanction of Cum Laude in General Studies offers to tear his elegant new residence to pieces. Ford, calling himself "quite fed up with my job, girls in Houses, CLGS, and the whole bloody mess" goes off to the Foret de Compiegnes as Rusk's second. "What an adventure," he sings on returning.

JULY

The strain in the Western Alliance is forgotten as two new crises develop. Jackie Kennedy falls mysteriously ill on July 4 and on July 5 a new international emergency crupts as the Russian diplomatic corps in the Gambezi Republic stages a coup d'etat. Television cameras are moved into the Kennedy bedroom to record every stage of Jackie's illness. Meanwhile, the Gambezi U.N. delegation is flown home in U.S. transport planes to help unseat the Russians.

AUGUST

The two July crises end abruptly. On August 2 the Gambezi U.N. delegation re-establishes native control. The next day a pea is found under Jackie Kennedy's mattress. It is removed and she recovers immediately. The following week the First Lady is featured on the covers of 1124 magazines in 65 languages. Scientific American runs a picture of the pea. Pundits announce that U.S. prestige has never been higher.

SEPTEMBER

A Saturday Evening Post article entitled "Harvard in the Do-Nothing Age" charges that "the only reason McGeorge Bundy got no honorary degree is that Pusey is scared of him. Squelching the rumor in a letter to the CRIMSON, Bundy quips, "I already have an honorary."

George Romney tells the press that the Archangel Macaroon considers Michigan the best-run state in the Union. Henry Kissinger writes a sequel to the Allen Drury series, Advise and Plot, which paints a macabre allegorical picture of academics in Washington. In a six hour address to the Cuban people, Fidel Castro is afflicted with hiccoughs. The hiccoughs cannot be stopped, doctors say.

OCTOBER

The Vatican Council resumes deliberations. Three papal encyclicals are issued: Cui Bono? (on industrialization in underdeveloped countries); Sic Semper Tyrannis (on Castro's hiccoughs); and Atinlay Oseslay (on the use of the vernacular in the Mass). The New York Yankees, having won the World Series, become a public corporation listed on the New York Stock Exchange.

NOVEMBER

In a special Thanksgiving Day message, George Romney announces that the Archangel Michigan has told him that God is praying for Romney as the next U.S. President. H. Stuart Hughes murmurs vaguely, "If there were a God, He could not but help favor my candidacy."

Winston Churchill, hale and hearty as ever, celebrates his third birthday of the year from the French Riviera. He notes with pleasure that the "Western Alliance of English-speaking and other sorts of peoples" remains firm. De Gaulle rushes to the Riviera and slaps Churchill's face with a white glove. A new strain in the Alliance develops. Dean Ford, receiving the news in the middle of a Faculty meeting on granting Ph.D.'s to Advanced Standing undergraduates, chuckles, and leaves immediately for France. "What a lark," he tells reporters at the airport.

President Pusey solemnly resigns his office to become Master of the new co-educational House. He issues the following poem:

O domus nova,

How I love ya.

DECEMBER

Teddy Kennedy, in his maiden speech on the Senate floor, wishes all his colleagues a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Foreign diplomats interpret the 30-second speech as a plea from the Administration for good will in the Atlantic Alliance. De Gaulle interprets the speech as nonsense. A simultaneous translator interprets the speech into grammatical English.

President Kennedy meanwhile works with his speechwriters on a rough draft of the next year's State of the Union address, in which he will announce that he is indeed pleased with himself.