All over the country hack writers and local newspaper wits are turning out their predictions for 1959. As every reader knows, these essays are uniformly hilarious, because there are so many riotous things one can say about things one knows nothing about. The CRIMSON, refusing to bow to this bourgeois trend, herewith publishes its serious forecast of things to come.

JANUARY

As exam period ends, Dean Bundy announces that he is taking the suggestion of allowing typing on examinations under advisement. "What the Dean means to say," his secretary points out, "is No." The New York Times Fund for the Needy announces its donation to Nathan P., who is supporting a large family. Unfortuntely the allotment falls somewhat short of the requested $85.5 million.

FEBRUARY

Harvard's religious revival is climaxed by a visit from Billy Graham and a band of the faithful. An overflow audience in Sanders Theatre responds jubilantly to the message. Three hundred undergraduates, including the entire cast of Drumbeats and Song, which was caught during rehearsal, are converted. Paul Tillich stalks out of the meeting, saying that he is not grasped by ultimate concern. No one is quite sure of what he meant to say. Nathan P. sends the money back to the Times, commenting that he is sure there must have been a mistake.

MARCH

A night raid on the Arnold Arboretum removes its dried plant specimens. Police are baffled, but Attorney General Edward J. McCormack, Jr. says that the culprits will be brought to justice for removal of state's evidence. Dean Bundy has no comment. "What the Dean means to say," his attorney comments, "is no comment."

APRIL

The Arboretum's dry plants are found--damp but safe--in a secret passageway in Massachusetts Hall. "I just don't understand how they got there," President Pusey says. William Bentinck-Smith remarks, "Somebody ratted." Dean Bundy flees to the Dominican Republic and Sherman Adams comes out of retirement to replace him. Attorney General McCormack turns the case over to the Department of Justice which stops extradition proceedings when it learns Bundy's erstwhile political affiliations. John F. Kennedy has a ten-hour conversation with Mao Tse-Tung and makes his 160th non-political speech of the year.

MAY

The Russians start a colony on the moon. "I just don't understand how they got there," President Eisenhower says. The United States sends up an Atlas missile with a tape-recording of Christmas carols. The Russians send up a rocket which plays the "Internationale." Batten, Barton, Durstine & Osborn send up a rocket which broadcasts Pepsi commercials. The Cambridge parking situation is alleviated by sending Al Vellucci up in a rocket. Dean Sherman Adams reports that he is taking the proposal that typing be permitted on final examinations under advisement.

JUNE

Eleanor Roosevelt receives an honorary degree from Harvard. Dean Adams goes back into retirement. President Pusey, emerging from a toplevel conference with Program officials, reports that he has reconsidered the Fund for the Needy's offer and is willing to accept. 1100 seniors are admitted to the fellowship of academic men. 1000 of them go on relief.

JULY

Bundy and Fulgencio Batista after months of planning establish a beachhead in Cuba. An unfortunate geographical error lands their troops just north of the Havana Hilton. A jubilant mob welcomes them as the first tourists to arrive in Cuba since January. July 26, the anniversary of the Castro movement, Bundy is appointed Provisional President. He announces the appointment of Henry A. Kissinger as Defense Minister. The Pope announces the appointment of 23 new Cardinals. "It's a nice round number," he comments.

AUGUST

Kissinger deposes Bundy, who flees to the Dominican Republic, where he begins secret negotiations with Juan Peron. President Pusey accepts the offer of the Episcopal Diocese of Washington and becomes Bishop Coadjutor. William Yandell Elliott seizes power in the interregnum claiming the support of the Summer School.

SEPTEMBER

John M. Bullitt, from a stategic artillery position atop Quincy House, seizes control of Harvard. Elliott flees to Concord. Bundy and Peron move into Argentina, but the country is destroyed by a faulty U.S. missile broadcasting the "Battle Hymn of the Republic." Bernard Goldfine comes out of retirement to become Dean of Harvard. From her cell his secretary, a Miss Paperman, reports that he is taking advisement under a typing exam.

OCTOBER

Charles Ravenel announces that due to fines imposed on A.D. club members for failure to attend functions he will be failure to attend functions he will be unable to participate in Varsity games. Kissinger returns from Cuba to become Harvard's defense coach. The Glenn L. Martin Co. announces the successful launching of a seven-pound Vanguard satellite which goes into orbit around Sputnik VII.

NOVEMBER

John F. Kennedy makes his 300th non-political speech of the year. The Student Council's request for readmission is rejected by the NSA. Rebuffed, the Council begins its investigation of the Program for Harvard College. H. Irving Pratt flees to Cuba.

DECEMBER

Dean Monro advises undertaking an exam for typing. Elvis Presley releases his new Christmas sensation, "Silent Night Rock." Forces beyond our control postpone the Second Coming.