A Tragedy in Every Act Dramatis Personae

Sir Larry Hot-Theyrallhot, Miss Georgie Anne, Herr Wally von Dorf, Mr. Scintillating Splendid, and the three Zlunch brothers, Charlie, Jimmie and John--all members of the Club.

Mr. Paymore--new applicant for membership.

Scene

A kitchen in Kambridge. The members of the Club are assembled as a high court of inquisition. Sir Larry Hot-Theyrallhot presides, with a huge frankfurter for a gavel. The other members are sitting as a jury impaneled in a saucepan. Mr. Paymore stands before the bar of judgment.

Sir Larry (rapping for order)--Knights of the Greasy Spoon and Lady of the even more Greasy Spoon (with a smile and gallant bow to Georgie Anne), shall we admit Paymore to the rights and privileges of our illustrious order, the Amalgamated Association of Alimental Assassins?

Jury--Test him, Sir Larry!

Sir Larry--Know ye that every Alimental Assassin must comply with two conditions?

Paymore--I have heard it, Sir, Larry, and am prepared to submit my credentials.

Sir Larry--In the first place, the Alimental Assassins are mainstays of a highly intellectual community. It is our creed that every great work of the intellect proceeds from an empty stomach. Do you believe this?

Paymore--I do most heartily!

Jury--Bravo, Paymore!

Sir Larry--Secondly, every Alimental Assassin must refrain from unfair competition against the other members. Are your dishes greasy, Paymore?

Paymore--Greasy enough, Sir Larry.

Sir Larry--Are your employees disgruntled and sour?

Paymore--They're all new, Sir Larry, and not as discourteous as I could wish; but I'm sure they'll come 'round in the end.

Sir Larry--No evasion, Paymore! Every hash-slinger and table-tumbler must know that customers are their mortal enemies.

Paymore--I shall impress it upon them at once.

Sir Larry--And what about your food? Is it rotten? Do you dribble it out? This is fundamental, Paymore, and I warn you, any improvement in quality or increase in quantity will constitute unfair competition, and will terminate your privileges in the club.

Paymore--I swear by Heinz, the Great Spirit of the Pickled Pork Packers, to comply with all these conditions.

Jury--Elected! He's elected! Hooray for Paymore, the new Alimental Assassin! (They leap out of the saucepan and dance about Paymore, singing:)

For he's a jolly good fellow,

Nobody can say he's yellow,

He'll stand with us to tell-o

The hungry students who bellow

To shut up or go to hell-o!

So Monticello! Pocatello!

We are sitting neat!

Di Costello! Rockefellow!

All of 'em have to eat!

Curtain.

Literary Criticism, New Style

The Menckenite raves like a maddened bull

Cavorting in ink as he bellows and bawls;

The sputtering sparks, like fleas in wool.

Leap up from his pen as he scratches and scrawls.

With nothing to say, he's frantic to say it;

He snatches a book in a frenzy to flay it;

If thought there is in it, he'll not stop to weigh it,

For such a procedure would only delay it.

With dash, and a sprinkling of borrowed wit,

And random quotations to seem analytic.

His single desire is to make a hit--

O weep, shade of Arnold, they call him a critic!