"What's the matter with Harvard football?" Whenever, and wherever an undergraduate meets a graduate, the latter is almost sure to ask this question; and, if the conversation continues very long, he will probably voice his fear that some blighting degeneracy has seized upon the men of Cambridge since his time. With several major defeats stamped in Harvard's football history of the past few years and with a record this season of three victories and two defeats to date, how can the uncomfortable undergraduate calm the suspicions of the disgruntled alumnus?

Within the last forty-eight hours a startling piece of intelligence has been circulated in the daily papers which throws the whole football situation in high relief; and with it comes conviction that the graduate's fears may be well founded. Considered in the light of this intelligence, Harvard is degenerate; and, comparing Harvard's attitude toward sport with this other attitude, which is now for the first time plainly stated, Harvard's degeneracy makes any impressive string of victories in football impossible.

This being so, it behooves all those to whom the name of Harvard is dear to rise in arms against the virus of decadence. In this spirit, therefore, the CRIMSON offers the following suggestions calculated to supplant present degeneracy with a new virility and all conquering mastery on the gridiron:

1. For three days prior to each game, allow the players no food whatever. This will heighten their natural animal ferocity. On the other days feed them sparingly on raw meat, which should be thrown to them, so they will have to fight for it among themselves.

2. Vary the conventional round of training with bull fights and hand-to-hand conflicts with grizzly bears, tigers, lions, and any other wild beasts that can be secured. No device has ever been discovered quite equal to this for developing personal courage.

3. Before each game administer drugs and powerful stimulants to the men, so that their nervous energy will shoot up to the highest possible pitch.

4. Just before sending them on the field, the coach should inflame every players anger blood-lust by hurling at him some choice bit of propaganda on the crimes and atrocities against society committed by individual members of the opposing team.

These suggestions, while exceedingly simple, have their indubitable efficacy to recommend them. In honesty, however, the CRIMSON must confess that the idea is not original, but was borrowed from Coach Zuppke, head trainer of Red Grange and the Illini. After his victory over Pennsylvania Saturday, Zuppke told a group of admirers that that and other victories came as a result of starving his men and administering to them large doses of caffeine or theine.

Is this the type of sport the grumblers want of Harvard?