College is supposed to be a time of freedom and experimentation. It’s supposed to be a time to “find yourself” — an endeavor many argue requires ending your high school romance.
Everyone tells you to break up with your high school sweetheart. The Yale Daily News endorses it. Even a 1990 Crimson piece compared long-distance relationships to “a receding hairline,” lamenting “the way they enslave lovestruck collegiates” and warning of the emotional burden they may bring.
Ben Alvarez ’28, whose partner from high school goes to the University of Iowa, was met with this advice. If they broke up, “a lot of people said it would be easier to have the college experience,” he says. From Instagram Reels to well-meaning friends, I was constantly bombarded with the warning that a long-distance relationship wouldn’t work out.
But as this advice is handed down, it carries an air of absolutism. It’s often not offered as a gentle suggestion, but rather a rule that must be followed. It frames breaking up as inevitable and staying together as naïve and restrictive.
It’s worth asking: why are people so insistent on this advice? In an age where connection over distance is facilitated by technology, does it still hold up today? Does being in a long-distance relationship detract from the college experience the way so many warn?
There are plenty of reasons why the “break up before college” advice exists. Statistically, the advice makes sense. The numbers are bleak — a highly circulated estimate suggests that only 2% of high school relationships make it to marriage.
But the advice also misses something.
The hard-cut nature of this advice implies that no pre-college partner is ever worth keeping. It assumes that high school relationships are immature, something that should be left behind during college.
College is a major period of change. It’s the first time many people live away from home and with minimal supervision. This environment fosters a chance for people to freely discover who they are. Proponents of this advice say that a high school relationship holds you back from fully experiencing college. Staying with someone from your hometown tethers you to your past, limiting who you meet, what you do, and even the kind of person you allow yourself to become.
But in committing to continue their relationship, Alvarez found that the transition to life at college was made easier because of his girlfriend’s support.
“If I was ever struggling — or even having a good day — I would be able to talk to her, which helped me a lot,” he says.
Contrary to common warnings, his relationship hasn’t prevented him from socializing or growing personally. Trust and open communication have allowed both of them to maintain active social lives independently.
Matthew Nock ’28, whose partner attends Boston University just across the river, shares a similar perspective. “Having that relationship going into college brings a lot of stability to your life,” he says. Rather than feeling constrained, Nock emphasizes the grounding his relationship provides amid the complexity of college social scenes. He especially appreciates not having to navigate the Harvard dating scene, which he has “heard bad things about.”
Not every relationship is a chain holding someone back. Sometimes it’s the thing that makes the chaos of college a little more bearable. Sometimes it’s the thing that gives people the stability they need to take risks and figure out who they want to be.
Still, the nature of a long-distance relationship can be difficult to maintain. It’s hard to be apart from your significant other for long stretches of time. Some warn of growing apart while being away from each other, slowly degrading the relationship. Between juggling classes, clubs, and finding new friends, it may be challenging to make time for your relationship. Conversely, spending hours on FaceTime could take away from chances to socialize. A study suggested that breaking up a long-distance relationship gives students more time to participate in their college’s activities, free from commitments such as phone calls and weekend visits.
But there’s also the fact that the world has changed. Staying in touch long-distance used to mean expensive phone calls and letters that took days to arrive. Now, FaceTime, texts, and even Life360 allow us to be more accessible to each other. Constant connection is normal, not some huge obstacle to overcome. Distance still matters, but it’s not the isolating force it once was.
While being apart can be distressing, couples find meaningful ways to maintain their connections. For Nock, “it's more than just texting daily,” he says. “Giving hourly updates on what’s going on, maybe calling every once in a while, FaceTiming” all help to keep a constant connection.
Other than calling and texting, Alvarez and his girlfriend “send each other gifts in the mail” and plan visits ahead so they have “something to look forward to,” he says.
Reflecting on my own long-distance relationship, I have encountered similar experiences. Like many others going into their first semesters at college, I worried that I wouldn’t make friends early enough or that I might miss out on critical experiences. What I’ve found instead is that my girlfriend provides a reassuring consistency.
By insisting categorically that pre-college relationships must end, people overlook how a significant other might offer stability, emotional support, and a sense of continuity amid the uncertainty of college. Rather than inevitably restricting personal growth, a supportive relationship can enable someone to explore with less worry. Blanket rules fail to acknowledge that commitment doesn’t have to come at the cost of freedom.
