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We all know that person. We eat with them, we pset with them, and in our darkest hours, we even hate-stalk them. They’re honored to announce that they’re an incoming summer analyst at McKinsey. They’re somehow studying Computer Science, Economics, Statistics, and Applied Math all at once. They’re in HCCG, CBE, HUCP, HVC, or WSMA (Why So Many Acronyms). They’re the child that would make your parents proud: they’re a LinkedIn Warrior.
Armed with the skills I’ve acquired through my unemployable History and Literature concentration, I dug through the archives and rediscovered the profiles of the LinkedIn Warriors of Harvard’s past.
Ben A. Shapiro HLS ’07:
Experience
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Avid User, Twitter
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Leveraged platform of more than six million followers to raise awareness of existential threats to society, such as “WAP,” “Pound Town 2,” and the “Barbie” movie
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Host, The Ben Shapiro Show
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Served as an inspiration for boys on policy debate teams who speak at a rate of 350 words per minute in order to mask their inability to make a single relevant point
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Freelance Political Pundit
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Participated in hundreds of recorded debates, such as “Ben Shapiro DOMINATES Sissy Liberal College Student,” which were posted on YouTube but probably belonged on PornHub
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Education
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Harvard Law School
Skills
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Hypernasality
J. Robert Oppenheimer, Class of 1925:
Experience
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Chairman, Atomic Energy Commission
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Passionately lobbied for international arms control immediately after developing said international arms
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Director, Los Alamos Laboratory
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Led a desert retreat for the nation’s top scientists focused on community, radical self-expression, and free love, culminating in a joyous expression of scientific achievement
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Education
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Harvard College
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Activities and Societies: RIP Oppenheimer, you would have loved the Harvard Undergraduate Workers’ Union
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Languages
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English
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Native/Bilingual
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Greek
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Working Proficiency
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Latin
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Working Proficiency
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French
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Full Professional Proficiency
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German
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Full Professional Proficiency
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Dutch
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Elementary Proficiency
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Sanskrit
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Working Proficiency
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Rivers Cuomo ’06:
Experience:
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Frontman, Weezer
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Synthesized knowledge of music theory, creative writing, and classical composition to produce multiple critically acclaimed rock albums exploring the allure of Asian women and the effects of prolonged sexual frustration on entitled white men
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Moderator, Mister Rivers’ Neighborhood
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As a project for CS50, created and operated an international music discussion forum — also known as a Discord server — for Weezer fans
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Education
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Harvard College
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Activities and Societies: Asian American Women’s Association, Half-Asian People’s Association, Organization of Asian American Sisters in Service
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Volunteer Experience
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Mentor, National Institute For Involuntarily Celibate Men
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Utilized rock music to provide solace to men struggling with unwilling abstinence
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Vivek G. Ramaswamy ’07:
Experience:
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Candidate, President of the United States of America
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Campaigned on a groundbreaking platform of:
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Getting lit: legalizing weed and gutting the Food and Drug Administration
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Resisting the surveillance state: pardoning Edward Snowden and abolishing the FBI
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Protecting the nation’s children: instituting six-week abortion bans and raising the standard voting age to 25
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Co-Founder, Strive Asset Management
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Founded an “anti-woke” asset management firm to combat the uncontrollable, oppressive, and overwhelming proliferation of “woke'”' asset management firms
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Rapper at the Intersection of Art and Activism
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Performed libertarian-themed rap music under the professional alias “Da Vek.” Music has been recognized by The Harvard Crimson, Politico, and Eminem (in the form of a cease-and-desist letter)
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Education:
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Harvard College
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Activities and Societies: Harvard Political Union, Presidential Search Committee
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Test Scores
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SAT: 1600/1600
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First try
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— Magazine writer Yasmeen A. Khan can be reached at yasmeen.khan@thecrimson.com.
