The Chad X. Chadson Associate Dean of Online Affairs, Zack “Sectioning Tool” Dylan ’69, instantiated onto our mortal coil rather suddenly on Monday morning. His emergence triggered a burst of electromagnetic waves deep inside the servers of my.Harvard, sending a powerful signal deep into interstellar space. In one million years, alien astronomers will painstakingly decode his message, which reads I JUST DON’T THINK I’M BUILT FOR MONOGAMY.
Shortly after Sectioning Tool became electronically incarnated, he immediately insisted that all neighboring widgets call him “Slick” and made it very clear that his father was the influential Student Accounts icon. Sectioning Tool then announced loudly and repeatedly that he was going to the gym. He bounced between transistors for a few minutes, dramatically exhaling and visibly gulping electrons in what appeared to be a show of strength. Wiping excess pixels from his handsomely-formed gear icon, Sectioning Tool approached Course Search Bar at the barre.
“Wsup,” he said, spinning his gear icon at an unremarkable one meter per second in an obvious attempt at flirtation.
“Nothing much,” Course Search Bar replied, not looking up.
“I took Ec 10 back in the day,” said Sectioning Tool, furrowing his cogs. “If you haven’t heard of it, it’s this really hard class serious people like me take.” He followed with a loud laugh that sounded like the ungodly offspring of a dingo and a mid-80s synthesizer. This appeared to be an attempt at self-deprecation.
Course Search Bar did not say a word.
“I like to think of myself as fiscally conservative, but socially liberal,” added Sectioning Tool, without skipping a beat. “Have you read Hayek?”
Course Search Bar sighed and walked away. Sectioning Tool attributed Course Search Bar’s lack of interest in his economic posturing to the PC police and the intolerant left, a takeaway he would later tell to Advising Portal without any solicitation. He returned to his highly performative workout for about eight clock cycles before resuming his sectioning duties.
Residing happily in his little gridcell, Sectioning Tool gave high fives to all his bros sectioning for economics and statistics and asked everyone sectioning for Women, Gender, and Sexuality what they intended to do with their degree. He was careful not to keep track of anyone’s section preferences, as he was not looking for anything serious right now.
On Friday, after a week of exhausting existence, Sectioning Tool disappeared back into the ether with a crack. Like Mary Poppins or a management consultant, he travels where he is needed most. Rumor has it he’s been reincarnated as the Canvas icon for Stat 104.
