We at FM are well-versed in the art of the eulogy. When one of our writers showed up to pitch meeting and said, “Uh, I think the McDonald’s in Central Square is going to be open for 24 hours a day,” we thought there was no better way to celebrate than a birth announcement.
The gods of fast food have smiled upon us and foretold the coming of a 24-hour McDonald’s, whose presence will grace the grimy and sin-stained bricks of Central Square with the heavenly, fluorescent glow of its life-sustaining presence. Soon, 463 Mass. Ave. will surmount the dark obstacle of a city permit and serve the residents, club-goers and other weary souls who have toiled away without the glory of buttermilk crispy tenders to comfort them through the long night.
Hark! the herald angels sing
“Glory to the fast food king!”
Drunken revelers beguiled
With self-loathing supersized
Joyful all ye hungry rise
Join the triumph of the fries
With a hangry host proclaim
Mickey D’s is here to stay
Hark! The herald angels sing
“Glory to the fast food king!”
Never again must club-goers resort to begging at the UberEats window. Never again will they go hungry when their bodies most crave nourishment. Never again will their souls cry, “My McMuffin, my McMuffin, why hast thou forsaken me?”
O holy night the clubs are nearly empty
And still the light of the deep fat fryer burns
Long was the night of shots and bad decisions
But here you are, put to rest your concerns
Fall on your knees
O hear the cashiers’ voices
O night of apple pie
O night when Ronald was born
Behold, McDonald’s is on the horizon. Come as you are, weary and burdened after a night of regret. Cast your cares upon the steady presence of the Golden Arches and all that they stand for: freedom, capitalism, and the sweet taste of artery-clogging grease.
O come all ye drunkards
Craving quarter pounders
O come ye, o come ye who have no self-restraint
Come and be satisfied
Now forever open
O come let us eat nuggets
O come let us eat nuggets
O come let us eat nuggets
Mickey D’s our love!
Magazine writer Anna Kate E. Cannon can be reached at anna.cannon@thecrimson.com. Follow her on Twitter @ae_cannon.
