A Chinese website has begun selling “Harvard” email addresses. FM imagines how an ad for a particularly valuable account might look.
FOR SALE: drewfaustdrewfurious@fas.harvard.edu
ASKING PRICE: $234,428 over a four-year installment plan OBO
Do you want to feel like a University President, but without the bob haircut? Do you want your name to be Drew Faust, but without that weird “Gilpin” in the middle? If so, this email address is for you!
With your brand new Harvard email address, you’ll be able to:
· Email whomever you want, because Harvard.
· “Accidentally” send emails from your Harvard account to people who will be very slightly impressed before deleting them.
· Rest assured knowing that your resume will relax in the coveted “Ivy League Pile” until those corporate bastards rip it in half anyway.
· Put your concentration and secondary field in your signature, even though no one cares.
· Enthusiastically create Google docs and Doodle polls when everyone in your student group would have been just fine without them.
· Regularly receive information from OCS about diverse and multifaceted careers like: venture capitalism, sales and trading, and even management consulting.
· Gain access to new and exciting listservs, including: Harvard-College-Beekeeping, Chess-Club-list, Harvard-College-Mostly-Men’s-Waterpolo, Harvard-College-Class-of-’67-list, Throptalk, Shoptalk, Croptoptalk, Philatelists-Anonymous, and so many, many more.
· Check out the local Alumni Association’s potluck picnic at that janky park down the street.
· Learn from the Internet’s masters of lovemaking, who will teach you how to “be number 1 for ur lover.”
· Reasonably and constructively talk about fossil fuels with Spikeball players.
· Receive emails offering obscene amounts of money for your eggs or sperm because people want to have Harvard-smart babies without actually having sex with Harvard-smart people.
If that wasn’t enough to convince you, consider this: Why study and work hard when you can make people take you seriously with nothing more than a fancy email address? Buy now!
