Like Forrest Gump would’ve said if he’d gotten the chance, course selection at Harvard is like a box of chocolates. That Gen Ed could turn out to be filled with sweet, melty caramel—or funky raspberry syrup. That off-the-wall VES elective could be luscious dark chocolate right to the core, or a flavorless layer of brown barely covering a hollow center. Avoid some unpleasant surprises this spring: don’t bite into any of the duds below.
FOLKMYTH172: “Quilts and Quiltmaking”
If you came to an institution of higher learning to take a class that could be taught by my grandmother, you’re doing it wrong. Seriously, how do you explain to people that you’re at Harvard to refine your shitty sewing skills? This class looks like a total snoozefest, but hey, that’s why you’re making blankets.
ENGLISH195m: “Money”
Who doesn’t love money? Spending it, making it, the possibilities with this class are endless really. Well, the joke’s on you because this is an English class and if that doesn’t kill the mood I don’t know what does. If you’re the 0.01% of the population who enjoys reading “novels where a coin is the narrator,” this class is your wet dream. For the rest of you who plan on skipping out on this one: no biggie, reading about money isn’t going to make you any anyway.
E-PSCI182: “Stratigraphy and Sedimentology”
I didn’t realize that people actually still had a passion for rocks and all that schist after the Stone Age, but I guess I just take geology for granite. An apology to all my aspiring stratigraphers, sedimentologists, and pun-haters out there, but this class is rock bottom.
HIST84e: How to Read a Book
In this class you’ll learn the essentials, such as: book holding, page-turning, and dog-earing. 10/10 would recommend to a Yale student or an infant.
ENG-SCI246: “Plasticity”
According to the course catalog, plasticity has something to do with the “mechanisms of plastic deformation” and “physical theories for strain hardening materials.” So basically, if you’re in this class you’re either: a) a tupperware enthusiast, b) horribly, horribly lost, or c) illiterate, in which case you should refer to HIST84e.
HEB1421: “Teeth”
There are only two things a person really needs to know about teeth: brush them and keep them out of your BJs. The rest is purely superfluous.
ENGLISH102h: “Introduction to Old English”
Taking Old English requires the effort of learning a new language without any of the benefits of actually learning a new language. No one speaks it, no one cares about it, and you don’t even get the language credit. Hard pass. On the bright side, this class is a great way to figure out what you won’t be doing for the rest of your life!
MUSIC 1: “1000 Years of Listening”
Its title is ominously self-aware (even an Ec 10 lecture only drags on for about a decade or two). Its topic is a skill that we didn’t master in kindergarten and probably aren’t going to master now. Its description claims to analyze music from “the medieval period to the present day,” but makes no mention of Kanye. ’Nuff said.
CLASPHIL 208: Roman Gardens
Do you toss and turn at night, panicked by your inadequate knowledge of ancient European horticulture? Do you see the first daffodil of spring as a joyless reminder of your botanical ignorance? Can you imagine an alternate reality that would allow you to actually apply the knowledge taught in this class?
ECON 1745: “Corporate Finance”
Capital budgeting. Dividend policy. Corporate governance. If you just fell asleep, consider taking another class.
GENETIC 343: “Zebrafish cardiovascular development and regeneration”
Like the construction of the pyramids and the disappearance of the Marie Celeste, questions surrounding the cardiovascular system of zebrafish have haunted humanity for generations. Or at least mildly intrigued one bored professor for a couple of years. Take this class only if you know and care what a zebrafish is.
APPHY 225: “Introduction to Soft Matter”
Most children are introduced to soft foods within the first year of their life, but if you need a refresher on the subject, head to Berryline for some fro-yo. If that doesn’t work, visit Annenberg for some chewy, chewy swai. Just don’t dedicate a semester of your life to the glamorous world of “squishy physics.”
NEUROBIO 334: “Hair Cells and Afferent Neurons of the Inner Ear”
Some people live and die for adventure. They thrive on the sensation of wind in their hair. They get high on the feeling of adrenaline in their veins. They don’t take Neuriobio 334.
EC 10: “Principles of Economics”
Heard this one is an absolute snore. Can’t remember who the professor is, but I heard the head TF, David Johnson, is leaving. Probably not worth the sleep lost over the p-sets.
