The interuniversity trade routes between Yale and Harvard opened earlier this month by the proclamation of CS50’s export to Yale College, which is in Connecticut. This is no small step. CS50 is the best bioweapon we have engineered. With its t-shirts and free stuff, we are hopeful that it will divide the Yale campus into two groups: those who wear the “I took CS50” T-shirts, and those who do not. But this export should not be the last one by any means. FM considers other authentic items that Harvard has to offer to this time-honored rival for its betterment:
Red Bricks
Ivy classicism is best represented by these fancy rectangular units. Compared to the Ivy terror that Yale’s gothic architecture infuses in its visitors, the Harvard look instantly conveys a sense of privilege (success!), and contrary to common misconception, most red brick buildings in Harvard Square are not products of New England colonialism. They are all fairly new. (Are you surprised? Just because we’re the oldest doesn’t mean we don’t have to fake old sometimes. It’s part of the aura.)
The Comp Process
No, this is not like auditions. This is not the tap process for a clandestine society. The comp process could stand for two different processes: competition, or competency. For organizations like this one, The Crimson, it is just a set of requirements you must complete (or maybe not—I’m looking at you, Crimson Associate Editors with less than ten articles). Competition, on the other hand, is our way of feeling entitled to judge our peers. We drag them to our doorstep, we make them write, talk, and feel judged. Of course, this is only natural because they are being judged based on… Maybe it’s better not to go there. You will determine the specifics for yourself. I don’t know what counts as cool in New Haven.
First Chance Dance
Here at Harvard, we believe in the organic development of things, and not the old-fashioned blind dates that you call Screw. First Chance Dance, followed by Last Chance Dance which gives the senior class one last chance to pair up, is a more liberating entry to sexual life at college. Drunk freshmen swarm and schmooze, and it is not compulsory to stay with one person the whole night. Fun guaranteed, traffic light dress code may protect you from people forcing themselves on you, but no guarantees. No shame, no regrets. Two messages that can improve your college life are first introduced to the incoming class at the First Chance Dance. Nothing is awkward after the First Chance Dance, because everything about it already is.
Honey Ginger Glaze Swai
This mouthwatering dish is everyone’s favorite. Conceived and brought to us by HUDS, this gourmet dish brings together sweet, pungent, and tasteless. You will find it hard not to detest this item served often in your dining hall. We are given the chance to actively avoid swai, an endangered species, deemed a fish to avoid especially if it is imported, almost every day. This is one of the smart ways Harvard teaches its students how to make the right decisions, and be better leaders of the world.
Dorm Crew
We maximize workforce on this campus. There is no reason to hire more employees when students can be paid to clean each others’ bathrooms. This way, when they don’t have enough staff, they can show up once a month, or once a semester, and the school will, at the end, save money. Busy students, it turns out, are the best employees you want to have—when they don’t work, you don’t pay them. And it is guaranteed that they won’t—at least some of the time.
The Kong
Wenzel meets Toad’s. Yes, Yalies, this is our home-grown midnight jamboree. Not the only midnight snack option, but the only institution that offers a comedy club, bar, restaurant, dance floor… The grease in the food will keep you up until closing time. The drunken stupor is best experienced when shared in a Scorpion Bowl. Join the line of drunken people outside the Kong.
The Quad
Congratulations! Your fundraising efforts for the two new residential colleges are completed. Here are a few tips to ensure that you accomplish creating a Quad. First of all, make sure the shuttle does not run as planned. Shuttles that disappear on Transloc right before they arrive are preferred to shuttles that do not run at all. Secondly, create a distinct look in the interior decoration, which will help you describe these houses as “homey,” as this will be their only appeal. A lot of common spaces with puffy sofas will save the image of these forgotten lands. Hold sections of one of your most popular concentrations (I’m sorry—majors) nearby, so that the students who live near everybody else feel frustrated every week.
