While trips to the quad are often categorized as “too far to travel,” Harvard students shuttle to The Game at Yale every other year. FM imagines what some of the conversations on these buses might look like.
CREW BUS:
[Coxswain holds a microphone. The heavyweights sit backwards to face him.]
Coxswain: Chug!
(5 second break)
Coxswain: Chug!
(5 second break)
Coxswain: Chug!
(5 second break)
ADVOCATE:
[Chain smoking cigarettes.]
President: This is so mainstream.
Poetry editor: I/ am so/ unhappy/ right now./ What is life?
Arts editor: [Holds up a black and white photograph of the sun]
MUNCH:
Munch 1: Faster!
Munch 2: Faster!!
Munch 3 and 4: [Together] Don’t stop!
Munch 2: Don’t make me undo this belt and come after you!
Munch 5: Step on it! Step on it! Really force it!
Munch 6: Yeah, driver, we’re gonna be late to the game!
UC BUS:
Administrator: So guys I want to remind you of the alcohol pol—
Bus: Wooooo!
Administrator: As in you’re not supposed t—
Bus: YEEEEA!
Administrator: No drink—
[Bus starts doing keg stands]
PBHA:
Director: I’m getting on the bus to Yale guys, wish me luck.
Mission Hill Tutor: No! Nobody deserves that!
Director: Listen, we’ve already started programs in Chinatown, South Boston and Mission Hill. If we can’t handle New Haven then nobody can!
Civics teacher: Woah man. Look, I taught a kid about GOVERNMENT. And he didn’t cheat on the exam! But we are not, I repeat, not equipped to handle that.
Director: Then what do you expect us to do? Just leave them to struggle in their castles and superior dramatic arts program? These students need our help, and by God, we’re going to give it to them!
FOOTBALL TEAM:
Coach: We all know how important this game is to our team, our school, our country.
Team: Yeah! Running back: From minute one, all eyes are going to be on us. If we can prove ourselves, we’ll put our names in the history books.
Team: Yeah!
3rd String Quarterback: Is it possible ... I don’t know ... just spitballing ... that I can ... just for this one game, go to the tailgate and sit in the stands with my friends?
Assistant Coach: Yeah...me too?
PORCELLIAN CLUB:
Member: ...but if we go into the stands with everyone else, how can we keep acting exclusive and secretive? I can’t expose myself to sunlight ... or ordinary people. Plus, I have an appointment to mingle with father at the alumni tailgate at the Harvard Club of Dubai.
DELPHIC:
Member 1: YEAAAAH
Member 2: If we can no longer do what we want at Harvard, might as well go hard in New Haven.
Member 1: YEAAAAAAAH
Member 3: So everyone drink the equivalent of the rest of your weekends of the year!
Member 4: Actually, make that the rest of your college years. Things aren’t looking so good for us right now.
