Harvard’s new capital campaign aims to raise $6.5 billion dollars, trumping Stanford’s previous record by a cool $300 million just because, you know, we have to be number one. This is great news for students! With $6.5 billion in the bank and about 6,500 undergraduates (give or take), we should each get our fair share of one million dollars. Here’s how to spend yours. Harvard, we take cash or credit, but prefer direct deposit.
1. Pay tuition for four people for all four years.
2. Try getting as much Harvard apparel as you can at the Coop only to realize that, even with $1 million, the prices there are absurd and out of your budget.
3. Fund hot breakfast in the upperclassmen dining halls for a year. Then, invest your remaining $100,000 in the egg and sausage industries.
4. Get more board plus because, let’s face it, you’ll run out by the second week of October. Then you can afford those 307,690 large lattes at Café Gato Rojo during finals period.
5. Take advantage of Cambridge’s bumping night scene and lose $870,434 in four weeks at the Sinclair alone before returning to more affordable dorm parties.
6. Use the combined power of the undergraduate body to buy Mt. Auburn Street. Then take the Phoenix Club, and turn it into a ping pong room. And you thought Zuckerberg was kidding when he said he could do that in “The Social Network.”
7. Visit Boston 250,000 times on the T as an undergrad. And no, not just to go to the airport during vacation.
8. Try something other than Rubinoff now that you have some money to spare, and realize that vodka doesn’t have to leave you with a burning, itchy feeling in your eyes. Then spend $1 million on a single bottle of Diva Vodka, just to prove you can.
9. Follow the Harvard Basketball team to every single game, home or away, in the hopes of being that fan ESPN interviews at this year’s Final Four.
10. Buy 200 Segways and start the best Mather-Currier shuttle service ever.
11. Order 200,000 $5 pizzas at Oggi’s one Monday. Don’t order ahead. Just wait in line and ask.
12. Pool enough blocking groups together to consolidate Felipe’s, Chipotle, Qdoba, and Boloco into one Burrito Mega Store that monopolizes the Cambridge burrito scene. Twist: sell only frozen yogurt.
13. Buy 2,856 Premium Plus subscriptions to The Harvard Crimson. Throw out everything except FM. They’re the best!
14. Decline an invitation to join the Porcellian Club, since the only reason you’d consider joining in the first place would be to get that $1 million when you turn 40.
15. Withdraw it all in singles. Roll in all that cash, baby.
