Oh no! Disaster has struck. You’ve been punched by all the final clubs, you stud. Tough decisions are coming up as you’re trying to decide not only your concentration (economics), but also which final club is the right fit. We’re here to make your life easier, because your dad’s personal assistant can’t make all your decisions for you.
1) What are you wearing right now?
a) Plaid shirt, jeans, flatbrim hat. It flatters my beer belly.
b) ¾ zip sweater, my feelings on my sleeve.
c) Lax jersey.
d) Boat shoes, nantucket reds, tweed jacket.
e) Logo t-shirt, jeans, no boxers.
2) What’s your expected income by age 40?
a) $1,000,000 dollars a year.
b) $1,000,000 dollars a week, but really money doesn’t matter to me.
c) ¥567,070,070,020 every fortnight; Japan or bust.
d) Does a trust fund count as income?
e) You can’t print a number this big.
3) What did you have for dinner last night?
a) Tortilla veggie pie: I’m a man of simple tastes.
b) The vegan entree. I watched a documentary about the food system and am now an activist.
c) A plate of 10 eggs, 10 chicken breasts, and 10 glasses of blue mixed with yellow gatorade. So green gatorade. I have a race tomorrow.
d) Ordered $3,000 of food in from Upstairs on the Square and then fed it to my pet chinchilla.
e) Half a keg.
4) What’s your favorite alcohol?
a) Budweiser. The beer that keeps me weise.
b) Red wine. it reminds me of my summers studying film in France and inspires art.
c) Bud light. I need to stay on lightweight crew.
d) SKYY. The sky’s the limit.
e) Something from my father’s vineyard.
5) What kind of music do you like?
a) Country music. It’s an excuse to hold my best guy friends and cry.
b) Classical music, played by me.
c) Rap. it motivates me when I run and when I chug a 40.
d) Top 40. Funnily enough that’s also the position of my dad on Forbes’ annual billionaire list.
e) Anything I can grind to.
6) What’s the most recent website you were on?
a) espn.com
b) theharvardadvocate.com
c) gocrimson.com
d) wsj.com
e) eharmony.com
7) How would you spend a free Saturday morning?
a) Working off that hangover.
b) Writing poetry on the bank of the Charles.
c) Crew practice.
d) Getaway weekend in Paris on my father’s jet.
e) Getting the BU girl out of my room.
8) How do you get to class?
a) I don’t go to class.
b) My bike that I got in Brooklyn. The segway cop can’t stop me from using it in the yard.
c) I do sprints there and back.
d) I have my driver take me.
e) Whatever route helps me run into freshman girls.
9) Where’d you meet your best friend?
a) FOP, he fed me fuzzy cheesecake.
b) We comped The Lampoon together.
c) Pre-frosh weekend recruiting event.
d) New England boarding school
e) My final club.
10) What would you do if you didn’t get punched?
a) Punch the people that did.
b) It’s okay, I do other things. I turn to Molèire when I’m dissapointed.
c) Was that even an option?
d) Get dad on the phone.
e) Start my own final club.
Points Awarded:
a—1
b—2
c—3
d—4
e—5
If you scored between 10 and 18 points, you should join The Spee! You like fine, imported liquor and can’t wait for Eurotrashed. Plus, J.F.K. was in it.
If you scored between 19 and 26 points, join The Fox! You’re in touch with your sensitive side, but don’t start crying when you get in.
If you scored between 27 and 34 points, join The Owl. You’re probably an athlete and all your teammates are in it. Don’t be the only one other than the coxswain to be left out.
If you scored between 35 and 42 points, the PC is the place for you. Caviar, all the good Harvard Square real estate and a definite job in consulting.
If you scored between 43 and 50 points, it’s all about The Fly. We believe you can fly.
Oh, and over 50? Delphic, my friend.
