When Nell S. Hawley ’11 arrived at an international boarding high school nestled in the foothills of India’s Himalayas for her sophomore year, she never expected that in the following months she would grapple with the onset of an eating disorder.

Hawley explored nature through hikes and shopped in bazaars. Her classes were less demanding than those offered by her New York City school, providing her with more time to devote to her friendships. She entered her first steady romantic relationship. “Along with all of this unadulterated joy,” she said, “came a newfound appreciation for food.”

Hiking to and from school each day, her growing appetite was satiated with Indian meals, which she said were abundant and accessible.

“I ate a lot and loved it,” Hawley said. “I noticed my clothes fit me differently, but I shrugged it off and still thought I was beautiful, desirable, smart, funny, et cetera. My self-confidence was through the roof.”

Hawley was unconcerned by her figure until a week-long school historical sightseeing trip to Delhi where one night, as she ate a candy bar, a girl told her, “When you came here you were so thin, but now you’re nice and plump and healthy!”

While Hawley said she recognized that the comment was intended as a compliment, she felt exposed.

“At that moment I saw myself through different eyes, through outside eyes, and I saw myself having too much fun, too much pleasure,” Hawley said. “All of a sudden my independence and happiness became dangerous things; they were things that needed to be curbed and tamed.”

Hawley began to monitor her portions, but after a two-week winter break, her eating issues “spiraled out of control,” setting in motion a vicious cycle of skipping meals, studying compulsively and withdrawing from friends.

“I drank black coffee with sugar for breakfast, skipped lunch, and ate bananas, sometimes oranges, for dinner,” she said. “When I looked in the mirror I didn’t even recognize myself. I slept for 12 hours a night and could barely walk up a flight of stairs.”

Hawley developed anorexia at age 16.

Now 22, Hawley said she has largely recovered through therapy and treatment.

“For the past seven years not a day goes by when I don’t struggle with it. I know how hard it can be,” she said.

While Harvard offers a number of resources for students with eating disorders, including peer counselors and Harvard University Health Services Support staff, the issue is often stigmatized and can slip under the radar.

“You can’t admit it if you’re depressed or struggle with college or are throwing up,” Hawley said. “I don’t want to be anonymous. I do not want people to be ashamed of struggling.”

EATING IN SECRET