Let me begin by saying that I drank a Four Loko last weekend. A whole one. If you are learning this for the first time, then the purpose of this article is accomplished, and you can stop reading here. Swoon appropriately over how cool I am, stalk my Facebook for a bit, and then begin planning how you are going to “accidentally” run into me in the dining hall tomorrow night.

For those of you that I did tell on Saturday night, we probably hooked up, right? Nice. And for those of you that are wondering what drink would make me this astoundingly cool, let me try to explain.

Drinking Four Loko is like having ten spandex-clad, 80s-era backup dancers all hyped-up on cocaine and chasing you around the whole night, whispering mean things at you if you try to stay physically still for more than three seconds, and also crazy-humping you most of the time. Drinking Four Loko is like having a constant raging party in your mouth. Also in your bed, if you try to go to bed, because Four Loko will not let you go to bed. It will keep you going four times longer than everyone else, so you will essentially get four whole Saturday nights out of one. Three of those will be spent mostly alone and mostly staring at the ceiling above your bed.

Four Loko is just straight awesome. Here are some other reasons. First of all, it tastes like fruit punch Gatorade. Prefer lemonade? Guess what—LEMONS HAVE GONE LOKO!!! So have grapes, peaches, raspberries, oranges, watermelons, and pretty much anything else you could want to shove alcohol, caffeine, taurine, and guarana into.

Also, Four Loko is a social beverage. If you try to drink Four Loko alone, within 20 seconds it is statistically inevitable that you will have sprinted head first into another person (and annoyed the shit out of five others, who are no longer your friends).

As the Gwop Gang says in their hit single “Four Loko”: “I’m calling on my main biddy/hit me up my FOUR LOKO/I want cranberry lemon!”