Let’s be honest: Boston is hardly the world’s sexiest city. While Brazilians frolic in tiny bikinis, and the French go topless, we like to layer up in Hunter boots and Barbour coats and pretend that frump is the new sex. It ain’t true.
However, this new “shoes with toes” trend takes ugly to new levels. Crocs came and faded for a reason: everyone started to realize that despite their comfort, they were absolutely disgusting looking. So why have shoes with toes started to take off? They’re even uglier than Crocs—something no one thought possible.
The website for Vibram FiveFingers shoes even has a section dedicated to fighting counterfeiters. Are you kidding me? These aren’t Manolo Blahniks or Louis Vuitton bags. Who is going around counterfeiting these foot gloves, and even worse, who is buying them? They come in every color and pattern, in case you want to coordinate with whatever you delude yourself into thinking actually matches with these things.
If you want to be comfortable, invest in some warm socks, or footwear that doesn’t make you look like you’re wearing condoms for your feet. Sure, they may make you “stronger and healthier” and improve your “proprioception” as the website promises, although that is a) doubtful and b) what does that even mean?
But in the end, these things can’t even be called shoes. At best, they’re awkward looking slippers. At worst, they will make it impossible for you to get laid if you wear these any place other than Trader Joe’s or a granola convention.
