Freshmen have eagerly examined each of the Houses, particularly while drinking and peeing in their courtyards. Some superstitious first-years even sent flaming boats down the Charles, like that’s some sort of joke. Right, sure, flaming boats are funny. How about, we all remember the MAINE! How quickly we forget.
Jingoism aside, we do not care to profile the Houses. We are not in the architecture business, and you probably already know that if you get Dunster, you’ll spend the next three years inside an irregular dodecahedron cell in Roger Porter’s attic. [1] We are in the people business. Just ask the dining hall workers to whom we give performance reviews after each brunch.
Prestige and Mobility still encourage you to rejoice in the rivers of champagne that flow in Adams like the mighty Euphrates and we would not dissuade you from wallowing in self-pity as you walk the trail of tears down Garden Street to the forgotten, volcanic, dinosaur-plagued underworld of Currier. However, as Aristotle once said, “Man is a political animal (as relates to blocking groups and also women).” [2]
Never inclined to disagree with Aristotle, we, men marked by prestigiosity and a mobilious nature, instead want to offer advice on dealing with your blocking group for the next three years. Find your group and then heed our counsel.
The Models and Bottles Group: You’ve done it. You’ve gone to parties at the Pudding and not just to steal alcohol and leave. Fat kids you don’t know know you. You were the first kid in your class to make your Facebook profile private. By blocking with the other freshmen who prefer status to human beings, you have guaranteed yourself three years of final club punches, beautiful people, and raging parties. In reality, your ambitions will lead you to civil war. The best House for this group is Cabot. You could use the humility.
The Henry Clay Memorial Great Compromise Group: This is a group that no one is happy with. It likely emerged in the eleventh hour from as many as eight different groups. All are wary of each other and just looking for any way out. It’s like getting married after forty. Because you understand the pain of treachery from blocking, you should all be kind during rooming. Yet as the political animal you are (see above), you will still Machiavelli your way your way into a triple with the other two non-Asians. The best house for you is Leverett, a symbol of the blah lack of distinction you embody.
The We-Only-Do-One-Thing Group: You spend all your time together, so why not spend ALL your time together? Whether in the IOP Forum, the concert halls, or anime dungeons, these people are like family. Imagine a room in which every one was in your a capella group. Life really could be a musical! No a ca-politics in that utopia! What if you blocked with all your friends from Harvard Dems? Sarah Palin jokes are a growth industry. Of course, you’ll end up running against the same people to be president of your organization, SOMETHING VERY RESPECTED BY MANY EMPLOYERS, and then you won’t talk anymore. The best House for these people is Winthrop. We don’t go to Winthrop, and we don’t want to see these people.
The $75 Shaq Rookie Card Group: As all Harvard College athletes go on to the big leagues to make the big bucks, they should only associate with other athletes who they can be sure aren’t parasites gaming to one day be their agent, lawyer, accountant, or Kabbala guru. Living with other athletes would be a paradise for you. You could have a Matt Christopher book club—solely with your roommates! Think of the new insights you’ll glean for your Gov thesis on “The Kid Who Only Hit Homers.” Just remember, 50 percent of athlete blocking groups fail because jock itch is a communicable disease. The best House for athletes is PfoHo, so they can stay extra fit on their walks to practice and bring one home for Fair Harvard!
The High School Stereotypes Group: This is for kids who embraced every ’80s teen movie in the worst way possible. Instead of running from your label, you embraced your identity and subsumed yourself in it. They include stoners, drama FANATICS, band chicks (slutty, right?), class presidents (except this time, through the UC, student politics will bring about real change), and most prominently, monora(c)i(a)l blocking groups. You have identified yourself as an individual in the reality TV sense of the word—someone who can be identified in seconds by the stereotype they embody. Just like in high school, your House will ostracize you, and aren’t they justified? The best house for you is Lowell. Its social hierarchy mimics the high school ambiance you yearn for.
Floaters: You are unique. So unique in fact that you couldn’t find one person out of 1650 to block with. [3] Welcome to the rest of your existence, a single point in a limitless void. Hell, you might be on to something.
[1] “Jane Eyre”?
[2] Aristotle, “The Authoritative Works of Aristotle.” Edited by Prestige and Mobility. Translated by Becca Brunch. Cambridge: P. D. F. Press, 2009.
[3] We are somewhat concerned over losing all of our floater readers, but we aren’t so sure they are spreading the Gospel of Prestige and Mobility to many of their fellow classmates anyhow.
