Spring semester is approaching, a new set of Crimson editors is on its way, and Prestige and Mobility’s future is unclear. When we first started writing for FM, we had a list of demands. Although we still haven’t received our secretaries, our sexy secretaries, or our sexetaries, we did get the glass-bottomed hot-air balloon, the collected works of Afroman, and a commemorative photo with Registrar Barry S. Kane. Also, we received that machine which turns pennies into flattened pennies with our Queen Drew Faust’s image pressed on them, and in exchange for 10,000 Faust-marks sterling, UHS has promised to stop asking Vinnie if he’s pregnant, or how that Faust-mark got into his colon before they will treat him. But now, in order to secure our writing career, we give you our prepared pitches for various campus publications.
The Harvard Advocate: Since it’s one of the most prestigious and most frequently recycled publications on campus, we would have been honored to have our work in this monument to yellow journalism. Unfortunately, we were turned away for wearing too few scarves and thus were never able to drop off our story about the older man who visited our lemonade stand.
THURJ (The Harvard Undergraduate Research Journal): We respect the work you’re doing. Also, we THURJ all the time (sometimes when we don’t even mean to!), so we’re ready to come in strong.
The Harvard Lampoon: On second thought…we’d like to withdraw our application; people actually like our jokes. However, if you’re willing to hand over the keys to the castle, we can talk.
College Boxes: We thought this was an opportunity to write a screenplay for a pornographic film, but it actually was just an inept storage company.
Freeze College Magazine: Dear FCM, we’re sorry about the mix-up. That application was supposed to go to Diamond Magazine. We know you’re much more interested in “what’s in this winter” than pictures of our dicks.
Harvard Medieval Review: In our scholarly opinion, you guys have some really trenchant material and observations. We don’t want to mess that up.
Harvard Salient: Bros, you were totally the front runner for our free-wheeling prose until we discovered your comp process involved us getting a gay marriage and then being stoned nearly to death while we recite Obama’s convention speech and you scream racial epithets at us.
The Crimson Arts Board: We would love the opportunity to be free from editorial constraints seeing as no one would read us enough to be offended.
Harvard Independent: You’d let us say “dickswamp,” right?
Satire V: We love how you parody the Crimson’s production schedule by rarely and sporadically publishing issues; we also love your strategy of choosing good Onion articles, taking out words at random, and filling them in like Mad Libs.
College Events Board Apology Letter Team: Although members of the CEB seem to only commit five hours a semester to ruining life at Harvard, we assume your damage control is a much greater time commitment, and cannot accept your offer at this time.
Our Queen Drew Faust’s Christmas Cards: By bearing Christmas cheer, we can change Harvard from a “republic of Suffering” to a “creation of confederate nationalism” or maybe even a “mother of invention”! We promise to spray your card to Registrar Barry S. Kane with your favorite perfume.
Harvard Philosophy Review: Our school of “Nacho Cheesier Thought” is going to be philosophy’s next great wave, and we’re going to boogey board that baby right to the top!
Harvard University Women in Business Magazine: We have some more oxymorons to fill your issue: military intelligence, pretty ugly, liquid gas, and jumbo shrimp.
Harvard Economic Review: We sure need a magazine like you guys in this market, right? Are we right? Right? Right!
Harvard Voice: We love the free sunglasses and milkshake coupons—call us crazy, but we think that you could soon expand into publishing a newspaper.
Now that you know we have some other offers, FM, let’s see if you come around to our idea of full-color Vinnie and Danny paper dolls…with outfits.
