This month’s Ig Nobel Awards (a parody of the traditional Nobel prize ceremony) raised eyebrows and awareness by honoring the three scientists who confirmed Coca-Cola’s spermicidal properties. But their paper—which suggested, among other things, that Diet Coke was a more effective ex-sperminator—came out way back in 1985. The rebuttal from a Taiwanese team (also honored at this year’s Igs) which proved that Coke actually has no contraceptive properties, has been around since 1987. And for generations, we have reciting that famous folk-medicine rhyme: “Rinse out your hole-a with post-coital cola.”
So why did the Ig Nobels, awarded annually in Sanders Theater to scientific “achievements that first make people LAUGH, and then make them THINK,” wait so long to honor this important research? Because right now the world needs it, and Harvard is ready—whether we know it or not. Since the awards didn’t offer a hard answer, FM hit the streets with a survey of our own to discern whether Harvard students have more faith in the Ig or the Nobel.
1. U.S. population growth lags behind that of the Third World. If current trends persist, how long do you think it will be until the U.S. is overshadowed by developing nations?
31% - At least 10 years
21% - At least 100 years
48% - The Chinese already own us, who are we kidding?
2. If the U.S. had less effective birth control measures, how much do you think the population would increase?
28% - Not very much
46% - Probably a good bit, at least until a steady-state was restored
25% - I personally would be responsible for several percentage points of growth.
3. Are you uncomfortable talking about contraception?
46% - I have a Trojan tattoo on my inner thigh.
37% - Yeah, sometimes
17% - Ahh! The C-word!
4. What would be least awkward to bring on a date?
27% - Bottle of lube
60% - Bottle of Coke
13% - Ec 10 problem set
5. If several of your closest friends had to drown, what liquid would you like it to be in?
46% - Water
19% - Microbicidal chemicals
33% - Coca-Cola*
*One respondent opted out of this question, another noted that the coke should be “with rum.” Also, in the survey as given, this question appeared first.
The conclusion: forget science, the people want Coke. Though respondents weren’t squeamish about contraceptive measures, they were far more comfortable with 24 ounces of Coke than five ounces of lubricant (spermicidal properties unspecified). So what if soda can’t really prevent pregnancy? The U.S. needs to keep up with the burgeoning Third World anyway. And even though most respondents would rather that several (million?) of their best buddies be immersed in water, they clearly prefer Coca-Cola’s secret formula to nonoxynol-9. Sorry, big pharma; congrats, big sugar.
