We know you’re busy during reading period, and probably don’t have much time for things like debates, and even less for actual world issues. Knowing this, FM rounded up a list of the things that really matter about the 2008 presidential gang.
Democrats
Hillary Clinton
(Senator from New York)
PRO: If she’ll cry for the primary, we’re excited for the main election.
CON: Reverse Monica Lewinsky scandal? Unfortunately, we don’t think that will happen.
Barack Obama
(Senator from Illinois)
PRO: Chi-town tested, Oprah Approved.
CON: We’re just not sure there’s a point to having a president you can’t make fun of easily.
John Edwards
(Senator from North Carolina)
PRO: Dimples that rival Shirley Temple’s.
CON: Used to be a malpractice attorney, adding to the stresses of already-harried pre-meds.
Dennis Kucinich
(Representative from Ohio)
PRO: Eco-friendly shower-heads for everyone!
CON: Eco-friendly shower-heads for everyone!
Mike Gravel
(Senator from Alaska)
PRO: Tells teens to do drugs.
CON: Will not get elected.
Republicans
Mitt Romney
(Governor of Massachusetts)
PRO: If all Mormons are like Napolean Dynamite, we’re on board.
CON: Least fun Mormon ever: upholds anti-alcohol position, renounces kinky potential of polygamy.
Mike Huckabee
(Governor of Arkansas)
PRO: Endorsed by Chuck Norris’s Right Leg.
CON: Chuck Norris would never write a book called “Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork.”
John McCain
(Senator from Arizona)
PRO: Survived 5.5 years as a POW, making him officially more badass than 50 Cent.
CON: Is approximately 132 years old.
Fred Thompson
(Senator from Tennesse
PRO: Sexiest would-be First Lady.
CON: We’re just really sick of Law and Order.
Rudy Giuliani
(Mayor of New York City)
PRO: Is an honorary knight.
CON: Would probably lose in a joust to John McCain.
Ron Paul
(Representative from Texas)
PRO: Supports legalization of medicinal marijuana—and we thought term-billing massages at UHS was awesome.
CON: Libertarianism is SO Junior High.
