Rumors of freshmen burning bed sheets en masse while mites burrow through their skin has the undergraduate population on the watch for any itch that might mean they’ve fallen prey to the scabies epidemic. But does everyone need to lock their doors and hide under as-of-yet uninfected blankets?
Not quite yet. According to Dr. Soheyla Gharib, Chief of Medicine at UHS, a grand total of 3 students were diagnosed as of the 13th. For the panic-stricken feeling ghost-itches everywhere, FM introduces the Scabies Watch, a weekly warning of exactly how worried you need to be.
Current Alert Level: Blue
Red (Severe): Feeling itchy? You probably have scabies right now. Burn all clothes and sheets immediately, including your roommate’s—he won’t mind, considering you’re saving him from infestation. Stop by UHS to pick up tubes of ointment. Anonymous brown paper bag head-coverlet optional.
Orange (High): A big party weekend means high risk for burrowing mites. Hire a bouncer for your party to screen all freshmen from Pennypacker from possibly infiltrating your scabies-free environment. Now might be a good time to invest in a biohazard suit.
Yellow (Elevated): Moderate chance. Stay in your room and try a week of monkhood—abstinence is key.
Blue (Guarded): General risk of infection—put that itch cream back in the medicine cabinet where it belongs. If you’re feeling adventurous, crash a Union dorm party.
Green (Low): No parties or mites to be found—unless someone slipped them in your LSAT book…
