When we were selected last year as the new writers of the Bell Lap, many assumed that we would keep Catizone and Schonberger’s humorous and carefree torch burning. After a summer of reflection, however, we’ve decided that we can’t in good conscience use this venue for comedy, because there is nothing funny about abortion.
But there is something funny about two preemies-done-good from Milwaukee having a weekly column in the Harvard newspaper.
Well, to be honest, we’re only the interim writers, kind of like how Derek C. Bok, a valued personal friend and colleague of ours, is the interim President of Harvard. And just like Derek C. Bok, a valued personal friend and colleague of ours, we’re going to have a huge impact on campus life. And also like Derek C. Bok, who has trouble returning phone calls, we’re super geniuses who can’t wait to pour buckets of hot wisdom butter all over your heads. Let’s get started.
Freshmen, this past week has probably been the best time of your life. By day, you’ve ruled Annenberg, met 25 of the “coolest” nerds that you never knew existed, and mapped out a first semester of fascinating courses. By night, you girls have been welcomed into any final club of your choosing, and you guys have been welcomed into Mike’s Apartment over blazing fast T3 internet connections.
But in two weeks, the white tears will turn clear. Your roommates will stop believing that your computer gets its best wireless reception in the bathroom, and you will realize that the girl you have a crush on won’t be able to visit your room—because the fifth floor of Canaday isn’t wheelchair accessible.
We’ve been through three years of these trials and they don’t show any sign of stopping. For instance, just two weeks before school started one of our closest friends was forced to withdraw after accidentally implicating himself in the Jon Benet Ramsey murder. (Don’t worry John Mark, we hid your external hard drives just like you told us to; third drawer, right side, Dean Gross’ desk. And we believe you.) But we never get too down, because there are plenty of great resources around campus to help students stay stable.
Drinking is your most obvious option. It is also your safest, because UHS is more than happy to pick you up in an ambulance at any location if you happen to exceed your drink limit. They even provide a complimentary consultation with an HUPD officer beforehand to make sure that service is satisfactory. These amenities make campus a virtually risk-free drinking environment.
But once your increased tolerance makes getting drunk too expensive you can move on to the real stuff. A little Lady C will get your neurons as erect as your nips and have you writing humor columns in four minutes and thirty seven seconds while making psychedelic pancakes and bananas foster.
If you don’t take to mind expansion after the first few tries, we recommend Room 13, which is nearly as addictive. We’ve been on both sides of the table there, and those student volunteers are some of the most well-trained clinical psychologists to have graduated from high school. But don’t be too forthcoming, or your NoDoz addiction might be featured on the despicably unethical http://room13.blogspot.com.
And don’t worry- if you’re ever on your last leg, you can always lean on our third one.
