News flash, freshmen! Your Peer Advising Fellows don’t really want to hang out with you-they’re getting paid a sweet grand to listen to you whine. Here’s what they’d say if they could talk without blowing the cash.
1) “Don’t join any extracurriculars; when you feel lonely, just start drinking.”
2) “You have to lose your virginity before you register for classes; here, let me help you with that.”
3) “Did you know that you can make the stairs in Pennypacker into a giant beer funnel?”
4) “Mower is famous for dormcest orgies. It’s also famous for letting its PAFs watch the action.”
5) “It’s not that all the cool kids drink. It’s that EVERYONE drinks. The cool kids all do recreational drugs.”
6) “Writing With Sources makes great rolling paper.”
7) “There are three things you have to do before you graduate: pee on John Harvard, run Primal Scream, and have sex in Widener stacks. I’m supposed to help you with the last two.”
8) “The basement of the Delphic is probably one of the safest places on campus to really let loose if you’re a freshman girl.”
9.)“Your class is the most diverse in Harvard’s history! They just let you in because you’ll look good on the admissions brochure.”
10) “The thousand bucks I’m getting to help you is doing wonders for my cocaine habit.”
11) “You don’t need to do the reading for your Core class. You just need to sex up the loneliest TF.”
12) “The beds in the Houses are much more comfortable than the beds in the Yard. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it. Tonight.”
13) “I don’t know what you hear about other colleges—promiscuity is the quickest path to popularity at Harvard.”
14) “Especially with Peer Advising Fellows, promiscuity with Peer Advising Fellows makes you popular.”
15) “Shopping Period? MORE LIKE DRINKING PERIOD! And Reading Period? MORE LIKE FREEBASING PERIOD!”
