The year is winding down, yet most students remain rich through the magic of Board Plus. If only we could cash out our digital riches, FM would spend our largesse in the following 15 ways.
1) Hookers!
2) Purchase an egg from the elusive white, Jewish, Harvard female.
3) Buy an ad in the Advocate. Triple their ad sales.
4) Pay someone to tell you that you’re able to have non-awkward social interactions after four years at Harvard.
5) Double the budget of the Concentration in Women, Gender, and Sexuality.
6) Throw the money away...I mean, give your money to orphans in Darfur. It’s sure to get there. Really. It’ll make a lot of difference.
7) Buy an online diploma. Graduate early.
8) Use money to ensure a Lampoon writer a spot on the Village Voice...
9) Adopt Suzanne Somers.
10) Buy a portrait of former University President A. Lawrence Lowell. Urinate on it in honor of the many minorities he metaphorically urinated upon.
11) Purchase the Harvard Salient. Yell, "Now that’s supply-side economics, fuckers!"
12) Buy hard liquor. Kill your inner child.
13) Feed a graduate student.
14) Invest in Andrei Shleiffer’s new Russia fund.
15) Buy all remaining copies of Kaavya’s book. Laugh a little. Cry a little. Resell on eBay.
