Last week, we joined the senior class for a final meal in Annenberg Hall while all the freshmen invaded our houses to “meet people” and plan out the next three years of misery. We tried to convince all of the seniors who had transferred since freshmen year that they were supposed to eat in Dudley House with all the stinky lesbians with blue hair, but unfortunately most people we know at this school have learned to generally ignore everything we say.
While we grubbed mad Chickwiches and watched hordes of d-bags pretend that they were “still tight with Domna after all these years,” we got to thinking about our four years at this place. Looking at the cornucopia of illustrious busts lining the walls and the cornucopia of intolerable chaches lining up for popcorn chicken, we wondered what type of legacy we will leave here. Will we simply fade to black like all the faceless humans who have preceded us? Will Harry Lewis rename Maxwell Dworkin in our honor? If we don’t die before June, will anyone even remember our names?
These questions quickly became depressing, like hooking up with a girl who smells like full-court basketball, so we decided to take the future into our own hands. With that in mind, we’ve devised a contest to choose our successors for “The Bell Lap.” Because we have mad leverage over The Crimson, the winner will literally get a weekly column in next year’s FM.
We don’t want to get too heavy-handed about what we’re looking for. Suffice to say, if you’ve read the column you have some idea of what we like and dislike, what we stand for, and where we like to deuce. If you’ve never read it, F out of here—don’t even bother applying. Though we would ideally like two kids with the same name or two freshman girls who want ample “training sessions” to prepare for the rigors of writing a weekly column, we are open to all applicants.
The instructions are simple: Fill out this application and email your answers to thebelllap@gmail.com. All entries are due by noon on Friday, April 28. If no one applies, which is very likely, we will give the column to the two most foreign kids we can find.
