1) Be Harry Potter: shake down a Folk and Myth professor until they teach you some bad-ass spells. While you’re at it, steal their academic robes and a broom from their utility closet to complete the look.
2) Rock the lanyard and “Harvard 2010” T-shirt...all the way to UHS, after furtively drinking plastic handle vodka in Lionel. Yet again, you’re a freshman.
3) Drown...you’re Harry Elkins Widener!
4) Put together some writing, publish it once in awhile, and have nobody read it—you’re The Indy.
5) Get a white/gray wig and be a) Derek C. Bok b) Harvey C. Mansfield c) Michael J. Sandel or d) all of the above.
6) Smear on some duck shit and call yourself the Charles.
7) Go naked and be the allegorical Primal Scream.
8) Cover yourself in red paint and be a piece of buffalo chicken.
9) Get a gray ponytail wig and a ’tude—you’re the pirate man checkout guy at Lamont!
10) Start yelling at passersby and put on a happy face. Be the Spare Change Guy.
11) Write punny headlines in Sharpie all over your body and tell everyone how smart you are; you are The Crimson (recycling and paper maché also recommended).
12) Buy a Speedo, shave your chest, and call me around 9 p.m...I mean, call yourself a swimmer.
13) Be the “Classic Female Fallback”: wear revealing lingerie, but make it socially acceptable by adding angel wings or bunny ears.
14) Be the “Classic Male Fallback”: wear the “Classic Female Fallback,” but claim you’re doing it to be funny. Right.
15) Pop your collar, sit at your computer and have a hot and steamy night with your Ec P-set...you’re a Harvard student!
