1. When she asks if Harvard is hard, rub your thighs and say, “you have no idea.”
2. When she asks if Harvard is easy, say, “not as easy as your mom.”
3. When she asks if Larry Summers is a douche-bag, gesture to the person next to you and say, “I mean, I think so. What do you think?” Chances are, the person is Larry Summers.
4. Do not listen to the administration when they say purchasing alcohol for minors is strictly prohibited. Technically, locking 40 prefrosh in your room and forcing them to drink handles of Wild Turkey is also illegal. But the former is “strictly prohibited” while the latter is obviously “long-standing Harvard tradition.”
5. Do not mandate that all your roommates wear identity badges printed with their SAT scores and hometowns. True, this will make your prefrosh feel less out of place, but it will also make it really hard to think of conversation topics.
6. Avoid taking your prefrosh to Annenberg and saying, “And this is Domna.”
7. Try not to forget to tell your prefrosh that when you said you had an extra “bed” you really meant an extra “half of the bed, as long as I can get the pillow and you’re cool with the pull-out method.” “Show don’t tell” only works in Expos, graphic novels, and porn.
8. Present him with a bill at the end of the weekend.
9. Unprotected statutory rape is a total no-go. Protected statutory rape: medium. Accidental groping: fair game. Consensual sex: just not going to happen. Sorry.
10. If you have two prefrosh, take money out of one’s wallet while she’s sleeping. The next morning, tell her you saw the other one stealing it.
11. Tell him, “You know you aren’t actually in yet, right?”
12. At the prefrosh activities fair, try not to scream “Slow down!” at the top of your lungs. You will probably get fired.
13. Tell her admission to the Leverett 80s dance is free if she brings her red folder.
14. Tell him Harvard girls love a guy with big brains, but not as much as they love a guy who is literally a walking brain. Then introduce him to your roommate, The Brain.
15. Resist the impulse to offer a “live tour” of Harvard academics: “seven to ten pages on the moral problems of capitalism in 19th century Poland. GO.” That is, unless your prefrosh is Polish. In which case, deadline is Monday at 5.
—FM Staff
