The days are shorter, the nights longer. A cold wind blows off the
Charles. It’s that time of year when FM stays in, draws a bubble bath,
pours a glass of merlot, and indulges our wants and needs. We take the
big red clunker (the phone) and an elegant leatherbound notebook (a
backup phone) into the bath, run the suds, and kick back with a man. A
real man—and no one knows what makes one of those like Kenan Professor
of Government Harvey C. Mansfield ’53. After all, who better to riff
salient on strength, courage, and action than someone who’s been able
to dedicate himself so virulently to ivory tower contemplation?
FM: Professor Mansfield, you’ve been known to “wear hats in a cocky way.” What’re you wearing right now?
Mansfield: I am wearing cocks instead of my hat.
FM: Heh. Really?
Mansfield: Yeah, cocks on my hat!! Really.
FM: You’ve been unpopular for
your notorious, seemingly single-handed fight against grade inflation.
Is there something particularly manly about making this or any other
singlehanded fight?
Mansfield: There is nothing
inherently manly about anything. Put some honor on it! That’s manly.
Inflation? Not manly. Inflatable men, though? Manly.
FM: You’ve linked grade inflation to affirmative action. How does a real man feel about aggressive women?
Mansfield: Aggressively, of course.
FM: In 1993, you said that
homosexuality was shameful and that gays and lesbians “eventually
undermine civilization.” What are your feelings for Weatherhead
University Professor Samuel P. Huntington?
Mansfield: Samuel P. Huntington is gay. Quote it! It is not true.
FM: Professor Mansfield, you
once referred to women’s studies as “a little ladies’ sewing circle.”
How do real men feel about circles of women?
Mansfield: They feel…all around! Heh. No, seriously, circle jerk. Ring around the rosie and shit.
FM: Finally, you’ve been
criticized for politically incorrect, insensitive, unsubstantiated
remarks about the intellectual abilities of minority students. Do you
want to come over and watch a movie? Mansfield: Can’t, watching “Must Love Dogs” right now.
FM: Are you a dog person?
Mansfield: Yes I am a dog person.
[HANGS UP]
