A lot of people wonder what goes down in Lamont when you burn the midnight oil. Well, wonder no more.
10 p.m.: It begins. Catizone enters with matching purple Toscanini coffee cups and deposits one on Schonberger’s desk. Several people in the William B. and Inger G. Ginsberg Reading Room assume this is a love gesture.
10:26 p.m.: Theodore B. Bressman ’06, a.k.a. Cheddar Ted, arrives with four Red Bulls in his hand. He exclaims, “I have an f’ing term paper to write!” and books it to the Language Resource Center.
10:45 p.m.: Schonberger madly e-mails and IMs all of his acquaintances with a link to the Facebook photo album of a girl from Florida State who seems to have fake boobs. He requests her friendship and is accepted immediately. Jackpot jackpot jackpot!
11:20 p.m.: Schonberger e-mails the girl from FSU requesting an interview about “school spirit” for the Bell Lap.
11:55 p.m.: Cheddar Ted, Schonberger, and Mike A. Silverman ’05-’06 make a last run to Dunkin’ Donuts for a holiday-themed Box o’ Joe. Cheddar and Schonberger spin the Flavorology Wheel until they land on a consensus: chocolate.
1:40 a.m.: Schonberger cops 50 Cent’s “Window Shopper” on iTunes and immediately regrets the decision.
2:18 a.m.: It is suggested that certain people should go to the Circulation Desk and see if they can check out a new attitude. Upon investigation, it is revealed that a new attitude is on reserve and checked out until 4:30 am.
3 a.m.: Why are there still other people here?
3:33 a.m.: In honor of Larry Legend, a highly unsanitary game of Beirut involving chocolate-flavored coffee and paper cups commences in the fifth-floor bathroom. No one throws up—yet.
3:50 a.m.: The six remaining soldiers break into a 4th floor classroom and watch the R. Kelly “Trapped In the Closet” DVD on a Lamont TV. A debate ensues about whether Dunkin’ Donuts coffee really is both “irresistibly smooth” and “deliciously satisfying.” No consensus is reached but it is agreed that the Box ’o Joe is remarkably efficient at retaining heat. It was probably designed by NASA.
4:30 a.m.: The crew heads to the Old Yard for a foot race. Cheddar goes out the gate like Pre, but Schonberger guns him down for a photo finish. Cheddar then ralphs at the foot of the John Harvard statue. His level of caffeine intake is evidently not a laughing matter. Catizone observes, “This is literally the Bell Lap.”
5 a.m.: Back in Lamont, a security guard makes a comment about “group insomnia” that no one understands. Someone makes an inappropriate comment about “group masturbation” that he doesn’t understand.
5:30 a.m.: Cheddar falls asleep under a work station.
5:45 a.m.: Someone begins vacuuming the reading room, upsetting Cheddar’s slumber.
6 a.m.: Dunkin’ Donuts reopens. The cycle is complete. It is agreed that this was the worst idea since e-mailing the girl from FSU. Everyone feels horrible and depressed.
