Picture the scene: We sit, toiling away at our desks, waiting patiently
for the nice little Felipe’s/Finale study break we’d been promised.
Suddenly we find our work space stormed harder than Helms Deep in Lord
of the Rings. Trying to relieve some tension, Chris S. hits the 5th
floor bathroom for a quick deuce/jerk, only to find every single stall
occupied. We rush downstairs to find the Uruk-Hai pushing their way
through the doors, surrounding tables that don’t even have food on them
yet. Pandemonium breaks out. A diminutive librarian mounts the
Circulation Desk to ask everyone to back up while the security guard
starts running crowd control like he’s at a Live Aid concert.
This
was not a soup kitchen for Katrina survivors. And despite what some
people heavy in the e-recruiting game might think, this was not Wall
Street. No, this was free snack for a bunch of wealthy students, most
of whom had eaten full dinners only a few hours earlier. This was
Harvard. Amid the chaos, there was just enough time to pause and view
the bust of Tommy Lamont, surveying the chaos, ashamed, a single tear
trickling down his marble visage.
We walked outside
empty-handed and watched people run into the darkness of the Yard
clutching five quesadillas and a fistful of chocolate cakes as the
Harvard University Police Department arrived to deal with the
situation. (1) Of course, this only brought more people swarming to the
area because if there’s one thing Harvard students like more than some
free shit, it’s a spectacle. Every sick d-bag in the school was there
with a comment for the crowd. To add insult to injury, a group of Quad
students was even taking the opportunity to protest the limited hours
of Hilles library. Could anything be more depressing?
And the
saddest part is, this was just the tip of the iceberg, a single moment
that distills the utter douchiness of this school. Harvard is a
university where the same resources are available to all of us, where
we shouldn’t have to scratch and kick and claw to get what we need. Yet
somehow, greed is the pervading ethos of this campus.
Case in
point: Every year greedy Harvard students line up around the block at
Ben and Jerry’s for a free scoop of ice cream. These are the same
students whose time is so precious that they can’t veer a few
millimeters off course to let you by on the sidewalk. The same students
who sip a $4 grande vanilla bullshit concoction while waiting for their
treat. Even the lactose-intolerant kids stand in line, get their scoop,
and throw it out, just so they can prevent a fellow student from
getting a taste of Chunky Monkey.
These are the same guys who
decimate Brain Break every single night in the dining hall, raiding the
food like they’re hoarding for Armageddon. The same d-bags who are in
such a rush to put cream cheese on their bagel that they use the knife
from the peanut butter jar, ensuring that no one with nut allergies can
eat the cream cheese for the rest of the night.
Finally, these
are the same students who didn’t go to the Harvard State Fair, a
well-planned event with so much free food that there couldn’t possibly
be a line. The same students who probably won’t go to the Harvard-Yale
Game, and who have never attended a dollar draft Pub Night in Loker
because “that’s lame.” They won’t do any of that, but they will walk
from the Quad to Lamont to fight over half a burrito.
It seems
that the only kind of thing Harvard students want is something that
only comes in limited quantity, for a limited time only. It’s not that
they want it so badly. It’s that they know their having it will prevent
another Harvard student from getting it. And it is this grubbiness,
this “next man” attitude, seen everywhere from the dining hall to the
recruiting room, that makes Harvard one of the most miserable campuses
in the country.
Who can we look to for guidance in times like
this? On his outstanding rookie effort “It’s Dark and Hell Is Hot,” DMX
growled, “Y’all been eatin’ long enough now stop being greedy / Just
keep it real, partner, give to the needy.” So settle down, Harvard.
You’re not starving yet.
1. Think about that for a
moment: at Harvard University, the police needed to be called to break
up a crowd that was fighting over a bunch of free burritos.
