Spring is here! But Gossip Guy couldn't get back from his sojourn in Tahiti, so he asked his sister to sit in with a freshly feminine crop of blossoming lies, blooming rumors and busty innuendo ...
Life's a Beach
Robin J. Stephens '03 woke up the last morning of his Carribean Spring Break extravaganza in the thatched hut of a local woman, with a potent taste of alcohol on his breath, a thick smell of ganja in the air and all articles of clothing save his coconut-weaved hat bizzarely missing. As he stumbled naked and sunburned across the beach, he heard the whirr of a jet engine and watched his flight back to Harvard take off over his aching head. "Damn," he thought. "I guess there's no way I'm turning in that Social Studies response paper on time." Stephens' roommates, seated happily in seats 32A and B respectively, extended him a metaphorical middle finger.
Why is This Night Different?
Monday night hundreds of religious, and nonreligious Jews and voyeuristic gentiles celebrated Passover by getting sloshed on Manischewitz and mocking their great-uncles. Home in New York City, Kenneth L. Cranstein '03 topped off his four glasses of wine and recitation of the four questions with four vodka shots at a hip downtown spot. He then propositioned the first four blonde girls by calling them "shiksas" and got alcohol thrown in his face four times. Sadly for Cranstein, the promised land remained far out of reach. Meanwhile, Eric G. Chung '06 was warmly welcomed by his blockmates to the seder at Hillel. After his seventh piece of Matzah Cheng was ecstatic: "This stuff is awesome," he said. "We'll see how awesome when you can't crap for a week," replied a disgruntled Ben P. Finkelstein '07.
In-House Treatment
Things got complicated for Amie "I'm a militant bisexual" Achor '07 when both her regular hook-ups, Peter L. Bacon '07 and Lisa B. Publishin '07, ended up in Cabot with her. Clad in their matching Cabot T-shirts, the threesome hitched a ride on the shuttle to the Cabot welcome event. Peter and Lisa went back to Holworthy together while Amie passed out in the Cabot Underground.
Van Down by The River
Kip A. Maylin '05 could have used a cup of coffee on the drive home from Alternative Spring Break in Alabama. At 4 a.m. Monday morning, on the home stretch down Memorial Drive, Kaylin glanced back to see the doors of the PBHA van flapping open. He frantically pulled over and jumped out of the driver's seat to close the doors. Unfortunately, he left the van in drive.
In Other Non-Jews
Maya I. Soyre ‘07 woke up to her first day back at Harvard to find rotten news in her Wigglesworth doordrop. Soyre nearly spit out her poached egg when she read that her alma mater, Winsor Academy, had only been ranked second by the Wall Street Journal. Hoping that her Saint Anne’s alum roommate Isidore R. Hopkinson ’07 wouldn’t learn that her school had topped the list, Soyre hid her copy of the Journal behind her second-place squash trophies. Unfortunately Hopkinson had already heard the news. At breakfast, she couldn’t refrain her joy. The resulting fracas ended in a torn cashmere Polo sweater, broken nails and an emergency trip to Gino for new highlights.
The Skinny
Bitsy von Guildentrapp '04 and Morgan E. Winston '05 met in the Garage just before break to discuss plans for the Bee’s Social Action committee, which they co-chair. Over a light lunch of carrot sticks and rice, the pair decided that if they can’t buy a house in the Square, they should move to a more plausible course of action. They rejected the idea of using the funds to buy a yacht instead due to rumors that Sabliere Society was purchasing a small raft. "They won't exactly be making waves," Winston said, nose upturned.
