Valentine’s Day is a time for those in love to share their love. The days following, however, are a time for the rest of us to mock them for so doing. Gossip Guy has stationed himself beneath restaurant tables, at window ledges, and beside bedroom doors to bring you lovey-dovey lies, ooey-gooey innuendos and sickeningly sweet rumors.
Good Vibrations
Having returned from a fall semester of sexual liberation in Rio De Janeiro, Ruth C. Havel ’05 recently dared her one time fling Max D. Shackleton ’05 to venture into her new bag of sexual tricks. Never one to shy from a challenge, Shackleton delved into the bag of tricks only to find that it contained an eight-inch strap-on vibrator. To his credit, Shackleton took the news like a man (and the vibrator like a prison bitch).
Topaz is a Guy’s Best Friend
Becky T. Olson ’06 claims that her all-expense paid trip to the Wendy’s at Central Square, which even included roundtrip T fare, was all that she wanted and more from her boyfriend Shlomo Yenklebaum ’04 for Valentine’s Day. Shlomo, for his part, couldn’t even pretend that the 18k gold, engraved Cartier cuff-links with onyx in-lay that Olson gave him were all he wanted for Valentine’s day. Says Shlomo, “What can I say? I’m a topaz person.”
An Ass Only A Mother Could Love
A bitter and lonely Larry P. Hotchkiss ’04 spent his Valentine’s Day cursing the cruel hand of fate, which delivered his only Valentine’s from the one person from whom he could not legally accept it—his mother. Hotchkiss’s legal conundrum, however, didn’t prevent him from thoroughly enjoying his mom’s heart-shaped sugar cookies.
Yummy, Yummy, Yummy
Harvard’s most notorious man-eater, Clara E. O’Malley’02-’06, continues her unprecedented six-year campaign of feeding on the good and innocent among Harvard’s men, disorienting them first with her J.Crew good looks and then sucking out their hearts through an alien-like suction tube that projects from her skull cavity. On Valentine’s Day, she was back at her perch in wait for her next victim. Many wonder when, if ever, her reign of terror will end. The answer appears to be when hell freezes over, because O’Malley seems to have no intention of graduating before then.
If You Say It Enough, You Start to Believe It
Sam C. La Bonne ’04 had a heaping helping of hot sex delivered fresh to his door on Valentine’s Day but he sent it back when he discovered that the sides of warm cuddling and sweet pillow talk were left out of the order. La Bonne’s thesis-writing girlfriend, Jill N. Bernard ’04, tried to skimp on the Valentine’s festivities by skipping the foreplay, so she could get back to finishing her most recent chapter, but La Bonne would have none of it. Says La Bonne, “Some guys might like to have a girl stop by just for a few hours of hot sex, but I’m not like other guys.” No, Sam, you’re clearly not.
www.thelosers.com
In a quintessentially Harvard Valentine’s Day, Aston B. Crolier ’07 spent the day maniacally scouring thefacebook.com completely alone in his room, but now has 274 facebook friends to show for it.
Truckin’ It
In what was perhaps the most desperate act of Valentine’s Day desperation, Julian C. Himmel ’05 and Greg V. Bufford ’05 tucked their balls neatly between their legs and headed off to the annual Wellesley Dyke Ball—in search of what, Gossip Guy is not entirely certain. Needless to say, the stale, heavy musk and billowing chest hair fighting to break through their evening drag attire made Himmel and Bufford the most universally desirable prospects on the Wellesley campus
