Fellatio is not the first thing that comes to mind when Gadfly’s thoughts turn to saving the Earth. But who could object when the Environmental Action Committee (EAC) offered “FREE ‘BLOW JOBS’!!!” in an e-mail last weekend touting their recent renewable energy referendum? Was Smokey the Bear getting down on his knees? (Only you can prevent premature ejaculation!) Not quite. The EAC’s party on Saturday night in the Quincy JCR featured a low-tech “blow job chair” displaying the wonders of wind energy. We’ll learn tonight whether voters were blown away by their pitch.
In other ecological events, the Resource Efficiency Program has been encouraging students to air-dry their laundry and use only a “shot glass” of detergent. Ever the environmentalists, Gadfly gave their suggestions a try but ended up wet, cold and in the emergency room.
—Zachary M. Seward
INDY BE DAMNED
Crimson editors—those lushes!—soundly defeated Undergraduate Council members, 42-11, in the first-annual Zachary A Corker ’04 Memorial Beirut tournament, held last Saturday at the paper’s 14 Plympton St. McMansion.
A veritable bacchanalia of inter-student organization excess, the event lived up to the predilections of its namesake. Typically antagonistic undergraduates—fired up by two weeks of back-and-forth salvos between the paper’s editorial page and UC president Matt W. Mahan ’05—smoothed their differences over gallons of cheap alcohol. As the busts of sober Harvard alumni frowned down from the walls, ping-pong balls and sprays of beer flew across the wood-paneled, hallowed halls of the Sanctum.
After the tournament finished, besotted Beiruters attempted to extend the fun by organizing a Holy War of Flipcup: Jews vs. Christians. The Hebrew contingent lost the match by mere seconds, but was buoyed by a raucous rendition of Hava Nagila. On the other side of the table, the victors celebrated with cries of “Jee-zus! Jee-zus!,” igniting a furor not seen since Wal-Mart’s midnight release party for “The Passion of the Christ” DVD.
Luckily, someone opened a fresh case of boxed wine before a new Crusades could break out. Everyone went home happy, drunk and secular.
—Michael M. Grynbaum
FUCK HARVARD II
Turns out one of the be-bopping Bulldogs behind the cult hit “The Game 2004 (Fuck Harvard)”—featuring classic lines such as “We don’t need to talk shit about Harvard, just read The Crimson”—isn’t quite as gangsta as his tough-guy persona suggests. MC Platano, a.k.a. Gabriel Hernandez, a sophomore, says “a lot of people call me Yale cuz I’m so well-endowed,” but one fan on his website’s online guestbook might as well call him Muffy:
“haha GABRIEL woooowww.. this is hilary rosen, back in the day ramapo country day camp.. DAYUM, YALE?! shiiiit yo. IM ME I WANNA TALK TO YOU!!! Babeegurlxo—mmmaaah.”
Ramapo Country Day Camp is located in Monsey, N.Y., where the spawns of Westchester and Northern Jersey spend their summer days swimming, playing tennis and awkwardly making out. Come on, Platano, we expected better.
—MMG
GADFLY: UNPATRIOTIC
Last week Gadfly offered props to the enterprising Elis who conned Harvard fans into holding up placards proclaiming “We Suck” right before halftime at The Game. “We got served,” we wrote. “Hard and raw.”
“If collegiate rivalries were played out on the runway,” Gadfly continued, “we’d be the model that trips on her heels and falls into Joan Rivers’s lap. If this had been Ec 10 lecture in Sanders Theatre, we’d be the cocky first-year bitch-slapped by Marty Feldstein’s invisible hand. Hell, if we were in post-Saddam Iraq, we’d be the United States.”
Heh, funny, we thought to ourselves upon penning the line. But Cpl. Clifford W. Kitto of the U.S. Marine Corps was not as amused. “You are making a joke about Soldiers, Sailors and Marines being killed, a subject which I don’t think anybody has the right to joke about,” wrote Cpl. Kitto, a veteran of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. “Now if you think I’m being hard and humorless that’s fine, all I ask is in the future keep comments like that to yourself.”
Call us insurgents, but “getting served” is probably the politest way to describe our situation in Iraq. We’d comment further, but Gadfly knows better than to fuck with a marine.
—ZMS
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