…Reading period is coming up fast and Gossip Guy is ready. Study-guide lies, review-session rumors and drunken afternoon innuendo will define his May…
…Self-styled player Barry A. Kline ’04 has been bragging about his “hos in different area codes” after hooking up in both Eliot and Cabot last weekend. Meanwhile, Gordon A. Braithwaite ’03, an Adams superintendant’s office employee, has been bragging about his “hos with different four-digit zip-code extensions” after delivering mail to several different four-digit zip-code extensions last weekend…
…G. Steven Willard ’05 is sick of girls saying they can’t hook up with him because of a boyfriend serving in Iraq. “My girlfriend in Qatar doesn’t mind,” he complains…
…Will C. Benstein ’03 was disturbingly happy to see what an unsanitary mess William K. Weaver ‘98-’03 had let his room become. Interviewed while attempting to clean relish stains out of his sheets using Febreze, Benstein said, “I thought my own rat-hole was bad, but seeing William’s shit-palace really made me feel better about my own crap-lagoon.” He then started on an effort to clear the newspapers off his futon by igniting a controlled blaze…
…Everybody loves R. Kelly’s song “Ignition (Remix)” but it’s not nearly as good as his video, “Bitch, Get In The Corner And I’ll Pee On You (14 Years Old)”…
…After four years of near-constant immersion in his blocking group’s bizarre form of hip-hop-derived slang, Travis F. Hilliard ’03 finds himself almost entirely unable to speak like a normal person under any circumstances. His recent description of Karen W. Milford ’03 as “that bitch I be nutting on” has caused quite a bit of friction, given that Milford is his fiancé and the description in question came during a dinner with her extremely Catholic parents…
…One of the bands playing at Springfest is called “The Blanks.” Rumor has it that the rest of the lineup includes The Low Sperm Counts, The Forced Vasectomies, The Desiccated Testicles and Diaco…
…Many vacant House Master positions are being filled by Jews. So is Hillel skank Tova K. Bergstein-Steinberg ’04…
…Sicko Bromley G. Sumilovitch ’03 is hoping that SARS comes to Boston so that people with heavy Boston accents will start pronouncing the disease’s name. “I caught wicked SAHS in Hahvahd Yahd,” he imagines locals saying to great comedic effect…
…Dumi N. Dabut ’04 should really stop using her full name, including her middle initial, when ordering pizza…
… Larry W. Dipersia ’03 is the envy of Kirkland House after a trip to file party approval forms with his super-hot tutor, Diane R. Cootre, turned into a throbbing, one-on-one study break of tutee-tutress passion. “She asked me to put a hard copy [of the party approval form] in her box,” he said, “And you know I did! Boo-ya! The party’s on Friday.”…
…Literature concentrator Alexander R. Jubinski ’03 hesitated as he stood over the C’est Bon counter to purchase a six-pack of Corona Light. “This is just going to slide down the gullet of some skank trotch-ho posthaste,” he reflected bitterly, descending into Blakean contemplation. “What immortal hand or eye or trotch could frame thy fearful symmetry?”…
…SPECIAL “GAYPRIL” JOKES SECTION: Gaylord P. Homosex ’04 is sick of being stereotyped as a Gaypril celebrant… Some have noted that Gaypril may extend into Gay. But no one is prepared for BGLTSAugust…
