...The small island nation of Gozzipstan, under heavy political pressure, has joined the “Coalition of the Willing.” They plan to aid the war effort by sending GPS-guided lies, intercontinental rumors and bunker-busting innuendo to the Middle East...
...Tabitha G. Filney ’02 recently rolled into town for the first time since she left last fall for Oxford. “I don’t want to go anywhere where I might run into one of my exes,” she said. As such, Filney has been avoiding Adams House, Dunster House, Leverett House, Pforzheimer House, Mather House, the Spee, the Fly, the Owl, the Fox, Tommy’s Value, Redline, Daedalus, Charlie’s, Whitney’s, Darwin’s, Out-of-Town News, Grays East, the Lowell master’s residence and the Middlesex County Jail...
...Gaypril is the cruelest month...
...As part of HUDS’s home-recipe program, Ike H. Neggeson ’03-’05 saw his mother’s “taco pies” served for lunch last week in Leverett House. In a situation curiously parallel to an incident that occurred over 30 years ago, Alyssa Neggeson’s taco pies were first sampled in the back of a kitchen by a 16-year-old dishwasher. Brian M. Bringiz ’03, Heggeson’s roommate, skipped the meal. “I can eat Alyssa Neggeson’s taco pie anytime I want,” commented Bringiz. “I’ve been feasting upon that pie since freshman year”…
…Former Mexican President Ernesto Zedillo is the Commencement speaker. Administration officials assured students that once Zedillo begins speaking, it will only seem as though he was at the podium for 71 years…
…The most popular film in America is Bringing Down The House, a total suckfest. And the most popular band is Linkin Park. What the hell is the matter with this country?!? What’s the most popular food—rotten fish? Jesus, pretty soon, people are gonna start reading the Indy…
…Though any interaction with widely-feared weirdo Erica M. Patel ’04 is like being bogged down in a Vietnam-style quagmire, doing a group project with her is like spending six months in the Hanoi Hilton. “So she was going to be in charge of research, and I’d write it up and present in section,” recalls a shellshocked Fred T. Baraka ’05. “Only Erica did research on ‘tribidism,’ which it turns out is the scientific name for dry-humping. Our assignment was on Jane Austen’s Emma. What a freak! I’d say anything to escape that physical and psychological ordeal.” Baraka then renounced his citizenship on WHRB…
...There aren’t many musical performances that sound less appealing than a solo concert by the drummer from a mediocre area band. Of course, when that band is Dispatch, that drummer is “Brannigan,” and he talks about Jesus in between songs, then you know: this is the worst thing that has ever happened…
…Eric W. Puckett ’06 has started rudely and randomly asking females whether various spherical objects he’s holding “are actually John Harvard’s testicles.” In return, many have wondered if every toothpick they see is Eric W. Puckett’s penis…
…Hist and Lit student Thomas P. Chang ’03 got his thesis back this Monday. It became immediately clear that one of his graders had been drunk, possibly at a Chi-Chi’s, while writing comments. On margarita-stained pages, tutor Larry W. Peters described Chang’s paper as “illuminating, fascinating, and highly erotic” before awarding it a grade of “Magna con Queso”…
