Blocking is a time of dastardly intrigue, two-faced treachery and endless manipulation. It shouldn’t be this hard to nominate your seven favorite friends, but it is. Here, FM, with shameless Cosmo style, presents true stories of the most terrifying event in every first-year’s life. Names and identifying facts have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved in these Blocking Confessions.
“We wanted to live with Manny, but Manny would only block with me if we also blocked with Dana. We put Dana on hold because we were waiting for Tasha to block with us. Some guys on the basketball team also wanted to block with us, so we had to decide. We made the fatal mistake of telling Dana she was on ‘The Waiting List,’ after which she refused to speak to us ever again. Then Tasha and her friends were pissed, so they refused to block with us. And the basketball players? They blocked with other basketball players.”
“There was a girl in our freshman entryway who we kind of liked. She was pretty cool and we often went to parties together. The only problem was that she would not stop praising her boyfriend’s pierced penis and the great pleasure that it gave her. Not only did he have a genital piercing, which we thought was somewhat suspect, but he also looked as if he called the Pit his home. Fearing nights of Gothic eroticism, we decided we could not live with her. I think she floated.”
“Our cheapskate roommate had been a tight-wad the whole year. When his mom called us up on his birthday and told us that she had sent him $200 to take us all out to dinner, we were excited to retrieve all of the money that he had ripped off from us over the course of the year, and escape the Berg to boot. When the bill came, Señor Stingy only offered to pay for one appetizer! The scumbag pretended that his mom had not told us how she was paying for the dinner. Someone so tight with their wallet could not be tight with us.”
“We found out that our roommate Tyler had invited all of these people that we definitely did not like into our blocking group. Some underlying tensions about blocking that were present within the group erupted into a rage in Annenberg. Whereupon Tyler hurled a tray at James and Jim yelled out, ‘Fuck you!’ This shouting match persisted all the way back to Weld where James, a big scary jock, picked up the spindly Tyler, with his little feet dangling, and threatened to punch him. But Tyler only responded with ‘I’ll sue you, I’ll sue you!’ We knew then that we had to get rid of this boy scout lawyer-to-be.”
“Our lame roommate Amanda took our blocking form to the office the day before it was due. We thought that the list was more of a work-in-progress. We were planning on dropping her friends the night before, but since the form was already in, we were now stuck with them for three years. What a ho-bag!”
“On Kayla’s birthday, we were going to have a party in Holworthy. Mysteriously, our party list got into the hands of our proctor. To cover her own ass, our sniveling roommate Victoria went to the dean and played goodie-goodie, even though she was the mastermind behind the planned booze-fest. We knew that we couldn’t block with this informant.”
“There was this one girl in my entryway freshman year. She thought that we were really close friends, even though I devised complicated excuses every time she asked me, ‘What are you up to this weekend?’ I guess she never caught on to my not-so-subtle hints. As the blocking deadline approached, I suspected she was going to pop the question. When she finally asked me, I lied and said that my blocking group was full. We really only had five people, but I did not want to live with her under any circumstances. What I did not expect was her next question, ‘So who’s in your group?’ Inside I was panicking, but on the outside I kept my cool. I named the friends that she knew and then I made up three other names. I would have been busted if she had done a little easy research on telnet. I don’t think that she every figured out that they were fictional friends because she still asks about them every time that I see her!”
