…Like every year, this Valentine’s Day Gossip Guy cuddled up with heart-shaped lies, chocolate rumors and rose-petal innuendo…
…If just talking to wacko Erica M. Patel ’04 is a Vietnam-style quagmire, then eating an entire meal with her is a surreal, Apocalypse Now-esque nightmare. “I was just getting lunch by myself and reading the Gazette,” recalls a shellshocked Thomas A. Coppola ’03, “when suddenly I was in the rice paddies with Charlie everywhere.” Declared a crazed Patel—as Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” played in her mind—“I love the smell of lip balm in the morning”…
…People keep making fun of Dumi N. Dabut ’03’s name. I am one of those people…
…A Venn Diagram consisting of the girls interested in James R. Friedman ’05 and the girls that interest Friedman would have zero overlap. “I’m like catnip for prudish nerds,” complained Friedman, “and the Crimson Dance Team won’t give me the time of day”…
…This week’s blizzard left Gossip Guy cold, wet, and still responsible for his problem sets. It sucked. Meanwhile, it was 72 degrees and sunny in Palo Alto. It’s pretty clear that we should have all gone to Stanford. We probably would have all gotten in too, except for the legacies and our crappier athletes. And who’d really miss them?…
…Some people have started calling Redline “The” Redline. Those people are the stupid…
…In response to complaints from his downstairs neighbors about “loud, incessant crashes and thumps” coming from his room, Hist and Lit concentrator David B. Stevens ’03 has claimed the noises cannot be coming from him since he spends all his time working on his thesis. But little do Stevens’ neighbors know that his thesis is about the sociopolitical ramifications of reenacting “Stomp” in his bedroom…
…Theresa B. Newton ’06, hot younger sister of Chuck K. Newton ’03, keeps freaking people out because she looks like her brother, but with long hair and breasts. “Look, the female version of Chuck is hot!” commented Newton blockmate Jake W. Edsall ’03…
…It wasn’t fun, and it certainly wasn’t pretty, but Gary D. Ellis ’04 kissed a girl…
…It was a textbook case of Model UN-cest when Djibouti representative Felicia R. Brock ’05 agreed to co-sponsor a resolution to impanel the Model Commission on Reproductive Rights in Luxenbourg rep’s Albert F. Coyne ’05’s bedroom…
…All the media hoopla for “The Simpsons”’ 300th episode made Gossip Guy realize that Peter W. Weinert ’04, rather than being the funny, creative guy he appeared, has just memorized “Simpsons” quotes for every occasion. When confronted, Weinert declared this Gossip Guy’s “worst item ever,” before uttering a single, forlorn “D’oh”…
…Alexander R. Jubinski ’03 is in a frightened, paranoid state where he believes that everyone he sees wants his sauce. He has been assiduously avouding his House security guard…
...Wilber B. Churchill ‘05 was a longshot, but he made it onto the Krokadiloes on the strength of his audition number, Eazy-E’s “Nutz On Ya Chin.” One Krok commented, “You could really hear the emotion. And you knew that this guy believed what he was singing. It was really very powerful”…
…The weekly nerd-orgy in Mower Hall is pretty damn gross, but slightly less gross than the bi-daily Houghton nerd-orgy fantasies of Elliot F. Gaines ’06…
…GOSSIP GUY THESIS UPDATE: Going terribly; unlikely to be finished. Been hitting the 16-ounce Buds pretty hard…
