Gossip Guy wishes this year’s final club punch class the best of luck and encourages everyone to drink heavily and make much gossip. In honor of punch season, he has scoured the campus for ass-kissing lies, glad-handing innuendos and back-slapping rumors.
In an attempt to shake its reputation as the eighth best final club and its accompanying nickname, “Club 8”, the Fox has undertaken a new strategy to sell itself to its punches. The new “Humility First!” campaign acknowledges that the Fox may not be the oldest of the eight final clubs, nor the richest, nor the coolest, nor the cleanest, nor the most freshly painted—and, that’s the point. “We’ve got genuine humility and that’s a rare commodity among final clubs,” says Fox member Daniel T. Erickson ’05.“Who wouldn’t want to be in a club with such humble guys?” Then, Erickson, detecting the faintly audible whisper of an envelope passing under a door jamb, turned and lunged at what appeared to be a punch invitation to the Fly, only to discover that it was in fact the foreclosure notice on the Fox’s house.
Though Jake A. Porter ’05 has been claiming that the cuts and bruises on his face were the result of a triumphant barroom brawl with a smart-ass Yankees fan, sources say that the injuries were in fact caused by a misstep during an IM soccer match. To Porter’s credit, though, it was probably his intense passion for the Red Sox, and not his complete lack of coordination, that caused him to trip over his own feet and slam face-first into the ground.
Current and former editors of The Salient marked last Saturday’s “National Coming Out Day” with a sit-in, of sorts. Says former Salient Editor-in-Chief and infamed moral crusader, Warren G. Poopin ’04, “If the Sodomites are escaping from the closets from whence they came, ushered on the wings of the bats of hell, to the closets we shall go and seek refuge from this iniquitous onslaught!” With that, Poopin and nine other Salient board members marched righteously into their respective closets. No word on when, if ever, Poopin and the Salient crew will come out.
On Saturday night, Amir C. Daharpuni ‘04 made quick work of the few square inches of Quincy House not already crusted in bodily emissions. In a move that will henceforth be known as the “Daharpuni puke n’ twirl,” a very drunk Darharpuni covered much of the walls, floors and ceilings of senior Larry P. Hotchkiss’ suite in a stew of vodka, eggplant parmesan, garlic bread, mozzarella sticks and bile as he went in careening search for the toilet. To the chagrin of Hotchkiss’ roommate, Vito Giuliani Mussolini ’04, Daharpuni had polished off his pre-puke feast with a half tin of salted peanuts, aggravating Mussolini’s severe peanut allergies. “I have to get the hell out of here,” said Mussolini as he made his way gasping toward the door. “No,” mumbled Darharpuni, “head to the toilet, I didn’t puke anywhere near it.”
Winthrop House has announced that it too will join the ranks of the elite and exclusionary campus dining halls, imposing dining restrictions for non-residents on Tuesdays and Thursdays. In a counter-move, Quincy House has expanded its universal dining hall access and key swipe privileges by agreeing to share its dining hall with a local soup kitchen, converting its library into a prison literacy center and loaning its JCR to the INS for use as an immigration processing facility.
