...It was a real bitch of a summer for Gossip Guy. His lame hometown internship had him working 80-hour weeks copying lies and stapling rumors, while an early June nap in the sun left his innuendo red and peeling for the next two months...
...The efforts of Crimson Key to preserve its noble, Caucasian heritage have not just been limited to ass-dumb op-eds in The Crimson and Independent. Keysters have also been boldly continuing their proud tradition of manipulatively seducing innocent, white first-years during freshman week. Complained a shaken Trisha D. Young ’06: “Warren [W. Warrenthorp III ’04] was white in all the wrong places”...
...William K. Weaver ’98-’03 was reminded of elementary school when Karen H. Lincoln ’05 told him how much she hated Jake Q. Wiley ’05 while Wiley gave her the finger. But there was nothing childish about the way the two started sucking face 45 minutes later on the sidewalk in front of Eliot...
...Hey, asshole: put your collar down. You look like a total douche...
...Having heard from four totally different people that Holly T. Vargas ’05 likes it in the ass, David F. Kearney ’03 can only conclude that Vargas must really, really like it in the ass...
...It was a quiet Wednesday night and Diane R. Rosenthal ’03 was giving a handjob to boyfriend F. Rodney Lee ’03 while they watched Jaws. But after a particularly shocking quick cut, according to Lee, “She involuntarily squeezed hard and really, really fucking hurt my balls.” Just when he thought it was safe...
...A.J. Humperhill ’02-’03, once infamous for stunts like sneaking onto an airplane and repeatedly failing to get into the Lampoon, just hasn’t been the same since he returned. Campus watchers were particularly unimpressed last Saturday, when Humperhill “covertly” boarded the Quad shuttle and submitted one of the best comedy pieces the Lampoon has seen in recent years, titled “Domna Checks Cards in Annenberg”...
...This issue’s Scrutiny tells readers what Harvard doesn’t know. Gossip Guy would like to take this moment to tell Gordon W. Stillman ’04 what he don’t know: his girl’s been schlobbing other guys’ knobs like it was her J-O-B...
...Quentin P. Cheng ’04 enthusiastically mentions his Quincy single during every conversation. He has trouble, however, naming any single-derived benefits that don’t involve masturbation. “I love the freedom,” Cheng muttered when confronted. “It really gives me the space to, uh, focus on the important things in my life”...
...Harvard Independent star reporter Jon R. De Vito ’03 has written over 400 stories for the sports page, all in service of his dream of hooking up with a female varsity athlete. So far his only conquest has been a late-night tryst with a baseball glove that won’t return his calls...
...Notorious jackass Danny K. Poserbaum ’04 is gunning for a top spot at his extracurricular next year. What he doesn’t realize is the only people in the group who don’t think he’s Satan are those who argue that he’s Satan’s bitch...
...NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Will C. Benstein ’03 still hasn’t unpacked most of his belongings. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll do it tomorrow,” he said...Raquel E. Arid ’05 was going to shop Government 1730, but the room was so full, she couldn’t get in. “I couldn’t hear a word the professor said,” she said. “Whatever”...
