...Opening Day is Gossip Guy’s favorite day of the year. There’s nothing quite like the snap of lies against horsehide, the roar of the rumors, and vendors in the grandstand hawking hot innuendo...
...Larry Z. Devine ’03 switched seats on his flight to Italy for spring break in order to sit next to a good-looking Italian girl. The two did some under-blanket canoodling that culminated in a handjob in the Milan international airport. When asked how he managed to cajole a non-English speaker into such wanton sluttery, Devine was philosophical. “Women: creatures of mystery. Who can fathom the unfathomable, know what is not to be known?” Questioned later in the trip about how he managed to run through his euros so quickly, Devine blushed incriminatingly...
...TF Sara G. Coapstick ’95 keeps touching the leg of Adam E. Buksbaum ’03 during section. When confronted by Buksbaum about the harassment, Coapstick claimed to suffer from a rare sensory disorder which leaves her unable to distinguish between human legs and table legs. She then pinched his ass...
...Jennifer T. Cohen ’02 stayed home last week, still traumatized by an experience she had during spring break of her freshman year that involved a donkey, three Costa Rican midgets and the egregious misuse of a toaster oven...
...A particularly ribald April Fool’s prank was undertaken by philosophy major Derrick F. Leroy ’02 when he attributed the statement “A priori judgments have the twin characteristic of necessity and universality, neither of which can be found in conclusions from experience” to J. S. Mill during a dining hall discussion on the nature of a priori judgments with roommate Jimmy K. Falk ’02. Falk began his response by saying, “Well, sure, Mill would say that,” when Leroy, unable to keep a straight face any longer, exploded into hysterics. “That quote is from Kant, you fool! Hahahaha!” he exulted. Leroy is already planning a more elaborate Heidegger/Wittgenstein/Durkheim jest for next April...
...Holly T. Vargas ’03 caught a lucky break last weekend when the second baseman booted her weak ground ball with two outs in the eighth, allowing the go-ahead run to score from third base, if you get my drift...
..Super-foxy Scott D. Robson ’04 has been Dunster’s most popular User Assistant this year. “Girls keep saying they have problems with their computers,” Robson explained. “I get to their rooms and they lock their doors behind me. I’m like, ‘Look, I’m just here to boost your RAM and complete your upgrade to Mac OS X.’ Then we do it”...
...Sheltered Maine native Mariah L. Rivers ’05 was fascinated by a spring break excursion to what she termed the “Deep South.” Rivers, who reached points as distant as New Jersey during a road trip with roommate Caroline W. Li ’05, confused waiters and assorted bystanders by attempting to order grits at every meal and repeatedly demanding directions to Dollywood...
...A pre-break Science B-29 lecture delivered by Professor Richard Wrangham focused on the similarities in mating patterns between humans and hamadryas baboons. An extremely baked John P. Felix ’03, attending his last lecture before heading off to Cancun for vacation, was somehow left with the idea that Wrangham was encouraging baboon-human crossbreeding. Felix is currently being held in a small cell near the Cancun Zoo primate house as confused prosecutors attempt to figure out exactly which statutes prohibit ape-raping...
