...Gossip Guy’s room is getting pretty messy. Everywhere he looks there are crumpled-up lies, rumor stains and unsightly innuendo bunnies in the corners...
...Esteemed history professor Holly Thackworth Richards decided to teach a section of her popular Hist B core this semester. What Richards thought would be a valuable and enriching experience for both her and her students has degenerated into a weekly nightmare for both groups, as her students have never once contradicted her, made eye contact with her or completed the assigned reading. “Why doesn’t anyone do the work? Goddamnit! Answer me! I’m the professor here!” she shouted repeatedly during last week’s section, waving her hands wildly to indicate her presence and occasionally jabbing nearby students in the stomach when they looked away. Students have responded by skipping section and anonymously e-mailing porn links to the class discussion website...
...An extremely baked Harold B. Mackey ’03 recently called HUPD to report the presence of a “mongoose with giant teeth” in his common room. Police responded and, following Mackey’s careful instructions, delicately removed a toothbrush from his bathroom...
...Sources report Mira F. Leonard ’04 has lost her fucking mind. Responded Leonard, “[strange, insistent, chipmunk-like squeaking noise]” ...
...Yes, hooking up in the changing room of Pacific Sunwear was sketchy. But it wasn’t even the sketchiest part of the weekend for well-known sleaze Dennis H. Shenkman ’04. That moment came when he posted a graphic description of the act to his house open list. He also asked to borrow a copy of the Rome of Augustus sourcebook...
...I hear that the fifth floor of Weld is totally the place to be this year. Yeah, man, beer and everything...
...Notorious jackass Corker Q. Picker ’02-’03 took the year off to live on a commune in rural Mississippi. “I just felt like it was the thing to do,” said Picker, who was booted by the Ad Board for punching Helen Vendler. But Picker’s distant location and striking lack of charisma didn’t stop Sally I. Klein ’02 from visiting last weekend and hooking up with him in a tent, thus drawing the ire of Jennnifer T. Cohen ’02, whose strange craving for men in tents continues unsatiated...
...Sharon K. Sing ’05 makes her friends uncomfortable by casually telling disturbing stories about her youthful misbehavior. “Yeah, so there was this teacher who I made sure to kick in the nuts every day of fifth grade,” Sing recounted. “That was so fun.” Her male blockmates have started wearing protective cups...
...Gary A. Mohammed ’03 is in hot water with authorities for repeatedly trying to make crystal meth out of the materials in the Adams House salad bar. “I can’t stop,” Mohammed commented as he rolled a fat joint of hummus and bacon bits...
...There’s no way around it: the dogwood trees around Leverett smell strongly of semen. So does Holly T. Vargas ’02...
...Non-Gossip of the Week: Vanessa Bolton ’04 asked for an extension on a big paper due next Monday. “I hope I get it,” she said hopefully...Jack M.DeSantis ’05 is OK that his blocking group got assigned to Eliot. “Hey, it’s the River,” he said. “I’m not psyched to live in a double, but it could have been worse”...
